make me stop

I hate days where you feel sorry for yourself. 

I luckily had a wonderful morning with friends I've made SINCE high school. Even if it was just lots of texting. 

I just always had a feeling that the group I was a part of in high school, didn't really want/think of me as part of it. As they graduated they took these group pictures so they'd have all the wonderful memories of the group and forgot to include me. That made me feel like my suspicions were accurate. then I just read this blog post from a girl in the group. and realized how right I was. I'm actually super happy with my friends that i've made. the ones who care and make an effort and value me enough to not forget about me, but things like this hurt. I thought I put in 100% to these girls and thought they cared as much as I did.. I have no doubt some of them care, but they don't see me as part of the group. Seriously why do I care? I love some of them so dearly, as individuals, but why care about a whole group when half of them don't give a flying rats about me? I deserve better right? no, let me answer, YES! 

So Keri, Bexi, Jelli, Chelsea, Leah, Dani, Lindsay,Andrea, Kylee, Sasha, Micah, aj, Brandon, and Brady thank you for being there for me with your whole hearts.

and you readers. You're awesome. seriously I love when you actually leave comments and I love the love you give me when you take time out of your day to read about my silly life with my silly boys and my silly insecurities. 

Question for those who have seen an Ob

Now that i've said out loud/typed out loud or whatever the fact that i'm thinking about considering having another baby within the next year.. well getting pregnant within that amount of time, I have a question to those who are going to have a baby/have had a baby. I'm considering leaving my doctor (Who I honestly didn't have a problem with at all) and going with a midwife who is part of the staff at the hospital where my current doctor works. I loved my doctor in every aspect besides the doctor part. She is busy with lots of patients (i told you before when I called last month to try and make an appointment I was told she was busy until october) and she doesn't have a whole lot of time to be with me through the labor process. She's amazing through the pregnancy and she really makes it a goal to deliver the baby which is awesome, for a doctor. My question is, why did you choose who you did to deliver your baby? What did you choose? How was your experience? Do you wish you did anything different? I'm giving you a green light to tell me all about your pregnancy/doctor/delivery which I know everyone loves to tell :) who wouldn't? it was the best day ever cause you got your baby!

so spill people!

Taboo

I feel like I shouldn't say anything. Like now that I'm actually letting myself think about the possibility of me maybe wanting another baby. before It was easy to talk about because I knew no way in hecka would I be able to even think about another one and now... ugh I've wanted one for a long time but I knew it wasn't right. I've been in love with newborns for my whole life, I was so excited to get my own and i almost hate that he's gotten so old but I love it at the same time, but here I am, thinking about thinking about (i meant to put it twice it's not a typo) wanting to remove this iud and get the show on the road. I actually called my doctor to make an appointment a few weeks ago thinking I'd make one in like 4 months cause it takes that long anyway right? The receptionist told me my doctor is booked up until OCTOBER (seriously) but if I want to schedule something whenever then to call back and the random little not doctors but can still do doctorly things are usually available a week in advance so whenever I'm ready. which I'm not. but I am. ugh. It took me a good 6 months to get pregnant with porter. I know many of my close friends look at that and laugh, but six months is hard. I'm a planner. I like to have a date for everything. I like to have all the details hammered out long before. I like to be over prepared. When I got ready for anything a date or a fun night with friends I was ALWAYS ready over an hour before I was supposed to leave and then I sit on the couch waiting calmly because I'm all ready and not rushed. Just yesterday I was ready for porter's doctor appointment 1.4 hours early. When I was pregnant with porter I Had the nursery ready months early and sitting there gathering dust. I don't like to forget things and I don't like being late or rushed. But pregnancy... I have this idea of what month would be ideal for me to get the next baby. I don't want it the month before and I don't want it the month after. I want it that specific month. but how likely is that? I wanted porter in May. so I decided it'd take 2 tries to get the baby so I went off birth control the end of june. thinking the two months there was no way, and then that third time I'd have my may baby. NOPE june, july, august, september, october, november... No baby. FINALLY in december I got that blessed positive and i was just so excited that I could get pregnant at all that I took august gladly (which if I can help it will never do again) . But can I handle another one? will I be able to show more than just porter how much I love them? will I be able to give port the love and care and time he needs one on one. I feel like because I'm actually within six months of being contraceptive free everyone is going to watch me now and be on the lookout and I'll have this overwhelming sense of pressure to do it because everyone is expecting it. what if I chicken out? what if my prayers change and i'm told it's not time yet. what if I just flat out can't get pregnant for ages. I also want to keep it quiet at first this next time. I know too many people who do get that wonderful blessing only to lose their child when they're almost at that 12 week mark. I don't want to have that happen to me. No one does and at the same time next time I want to just keep it to myself for a while. I feel so weird about how I went about it with porter. I  acted like I deserved to be the center of attention because I was doing something that we're made to do. I'm not some sacred vessel I'm just a mom. I don't have to be the center of attention just because I'm with child. I don't know. hormones do crazy things to you. I just feel like I respect the mom's who are like ya i'm pregnant oh did I forget to say? I just didn't think it was that big of a deal because I still do laundry and run errands and my life goes on as normal because I am who I am and a baby only adds to that not takes away. I don't know. I'm getting ranty... and NO I'm not talking about anyone in general. well.. maybe tori spelling who constantly says "because I"m pregnant blah blah" I think I made myself shrink a little and became a steriotypical pregnant woman and because of that kind of lost myself for a while and went through this huge identity crisis after porter was born and it was all my fault.

anyway. if you made any sense of that.... congrats. you understand me when I spill my thoughts as they come out. I'm not even going to proof it.... hope I don't sound like a crazy person.

Reminiscing

In a week or so my little boy turns 18 months old. ( 1.5 years.) I had the wonderful opportunity to go and see one of my very closest friends in the hospital 2 days ago the day after she had her sweet baby boy. He was a healthy 9lbs 4 oz. which is one pound one ounce heavier than porter was. As I cuddled that sweet miracle I fell instantly madly in love with him and my heart broke from holding so much excitement and joy for Jelli. I eventually handed Liam back to his mom and watched her coddle her hours old child. I had the strangest flashback sitting in that room to days that seem so far away yet so recent. The birth of my own sweet boy. I honestly hadn't thought about his birth or my hospital stay much at all until this point. 

I remember knowing I was getting an epidural the first time I gave birth for sure. So the second I couldn't speak through them I asked for a cure. I remember having the night to sleep but never using one minute of my painless labor for rest because I was far too excited to meet my son. I recall having to push an 8 pound baby out of my tiny hips (which are now more like normal hips) and having the pressure of it all freak me out. I remember asking one question to try and distract me from the sensation of my bones moving apart to allow the passage of a human being and not having my husband or the doctor or the nurses tell me what color the hair they were telling me about was. I can see them lifting him onto my stomach and handing me a towel telling me to clean him off and being surprised   shocked at how he looked exactly like my baby pictures. My first though literally was " he looks like a sam not a porter". I remember that after a few minutes they took him to the bed at my feet to check him out and being so distraught that he was crying and drew wouldn't talk to him to comfort him because I KNEW that if he would start talking porter would know who his daddy was. Nursing was much easier than I expected. I got so lucky to have a baby who just knew how to latch. I remember being able to stand pretty well right away regardless of them trying to take all my weight. Sitting in a wheelchair and being handed this tiny fragile person and being terrified they would stop short while pushing me and he would fly out of my arms and break. My hairy little boy who cried during his first bath but was 100% soothed by warm running water on his skull. The fact that he was awake for 4 straight hours after his birth, so curious of the world and what was in it. He looked around and even when we laid him down in his little plastic bed he would not stop gazing at the room. Finally draping a blanket over the side of the plastic bed so he couldn't see there was a world out there to examine and having it take 30 seconds for him to fall asleep once we made that move. I remember panicking when he choked on his mucus for the first time. Bawling when he did it 4 more times and finally begging the nurses to take him for the night so I could stop worrying that he'd die if I slept only to have nightmares that the nurses wouldn't catch it either. I remember thinking about going home, and feeling my chest tighten up. Never feeling this degree of worry before. I remember getting out of my hospital bed, climbing on to drew's couch, tucking my knees up to my chin and covering myself with a blanket because I needed to NOT have a panic attack. I remember driving home with him for the first time, and i remember turning over and seeing my 4 day old baby blue and shaking because he could not breathe. I also remember the way he looked at me. The way he fell asleep at my breast. How soft his hair was and the way it curled when it got wet. I remember having a baby with brunette hair on his head, arms, back and those awesome sideburns. I remember my mom staying with us and taking care of me and making me eat even when she was going through a rough time herself. 

I know this is major long but I don't know how long I'll remember those first few days and I've never actually sat down and thought about the details. Being a mother is the hardest and best thing in the world. I love how he tears the house apart, pulls couch cushions off and spreads food into every corner and then turns to me and wraps his arms around my shoulder and neck making me forgive everything he had just done. I just can't believe that He went from this. 

to this. 

I had a Dream

just now. it probably has something to do with the fact that when I woke up at 4 in the morning I looked at facebook to fall back asleep.... But I dreamed that I was at my 5 year high school reunion but we were going to school for it... like the whole walk in the hallways between classes and who do I sit by for lunch thing. The dream was a nightmare. Those who actually acknowledged my existence spoke down to me and regardless of whether they spoke to me or not I had all of those horrible high school feelings come up about whether I was of any worth, whether people liked me or not (of course in the dream they did not) and basically whether anyone cared if I were there.

First off! I had WONDERFUL friends in high school. I've had to deal with my issues because I was "forgotten" a lot. My heart still cringes when I see the pictures my girlfriends took at the end of high school to celebrate their friendship and forgot me. But the fact is. oh well. I know a lot of people liked me. I know that I helped some people, and I know that I made some life long friendships there.
Second off. WHO CARES if anyone thinks of me first? I've always wanted to be that person who was popular because of their understanding. My friend Carrie is one of those girls who seriously if you meet her you think of her as a BEST friend. Same with another amazing girl I know named Bonnie (and her little family is amazing even though that's super off subject). They treat people like they absolutely care and so everyone attaches to them and loves them. I try that but either I'm not good at it or if I'm honest with myself, I do get to some people and just don't know it. The secret really is, am I loving people like they deserve to be loved? I'm not wonderful at it, but I try. I try and let people know that if I'm not talking to them as often it's because I'm crazy busy and that it has nothing to do with my feelings for them. I try and listen and relate to people because It's nice to know that someone has gone through the same thing. Mainly.. I need to love myself more. I have this AMAZING friend. I lost touch with them because life just seemed to happen that way. I've been fighting to get that friendship back and I don't know why I'm fighting. It's almost like my brain is sabotaging me to think that there's no way someone so amazing could care as fiercely back about me. I think it's true though. I think that the friendship has always been there. regardless of the speaking.
Third off!! I have at least two amazing people in my life who think of me FIRST. They don't make a decision without asking me. They are real best friends in the sense that they Drive me Crazy and keep me sane all at the same time. They tell me they love me in their own way every single day.
My wonderful Drew and sweet Tiny Human Porter.. They love me more than the rest of the world could combined. So what else matters?

Ps. My reunion will be awesome as long as I'm not the only person who shows up.

Private Blogs

why?
I mean sure some people don't want anyone but family to read it that's fine. I guess I'm just all hot and bothered because blogger doesn't TELL me when someone's written a blog if it's private so I just figure no one has written anything and then BAM I realize I have to look and find I've missed 30 million posts...
boo.
so if your blog is private and I have been invited to read it, I'm probably only doing it once every few months because I don't know there is anything new to look at!
I still love you though :)

Sad Posts are Never Fun Posts

People get uncomfortable when people put negative things online. Like if they're frustrated, sad or just downright low. It's like we have to only put happy things  up or we're whiny or weak or whatever.
except I don't have more than maybe 2 friends I physically see sooo now I'm down and need a pep talk and I want to turn to you cyber friends.

I don't even know what's wrong. I just feel down. Like I'm stuck in a rut with life. Like marriage and parenthood and general happiness. My marriage is fine I won't put drew down (even if he ever deserved it, which he doesn't) but sometimes I feel like I'm just living with a roommate. I feel like I can't say positive things. like it'll kill me or something, but my outlook is not positive so saying positive things wouldn't be in character. Parenting is seriously hard now. Porter is amazing with his pincer fingers, kissing when he's asked to kiss, voices when he's playing, the way he puts anything and everything up to his ear and starts jabbering, the way he started to say bye bye today (yey) the way he actually cuddles sometimes if there's tv on or we sit out on the porch swing watching the storm. But then he grabs some giant hard toy, walks up to me and deliberately puts all his weight behind it and hits me in the face. I've even bruised a few times. I don't know what to do. sometimes I yell, loudly out of the sheer shock of it I don't even think, I just yell. then he cries and lays his head on my chest as if to apologize and let me apologize at the same time. but I can't take hitting much longer. I really try to sit him on my lap and talk in a nice voice and explain why it's mean and bad to hit and it hurts me and hurts my feelings but he still doesn't stop.

I think all of this also is amplified by the overall losery feeling I've been feeling about myself. I'm having trouble making myself happy and it's seriously infecting every aspect of my life. I used to be an awesome (well... when I actually got around to it) cleaner and lately when I actually get up and clean, I can't get up enough energy to actually overachieve at it. I clean because one, the house looks awesome which makes me feel better, and two it makes drew happy and when drew's happy it makes me happy. so why on earth am I not trying?

I'm packing tomorrow to leave my husband and son (for the first time) for a weekend to travel to see one of my best friends go through the temple and get married. I'm so hoping that it's enough time out of the house, away from stress, and with normal sized humans who don't smack me in the face to jump start my system and get me back to normal cause I HATE this feeling.

I hate not feeling like myself. and in return feeling like I'm bringing my marriage down, and not being a good mother. I swear if I didn't know better I'd think I had the baby blues.

any advice?

also any prayers that drew doesn't kill porter while I'm gone all weekend would be nice. I'm a little worried he'll forget to change his diaper all day or feed him or get him out of bed when he cries :) Drew's had it easy cause I do it all ha ha ha

sorry that you had to read a sad no fun post. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

Love To You

I've been so blessed in this life. I've been given an amazing support system. When my life gets hard, and it's gotten plenty of hard plenty of times, I am always given someone. I've had Teachers that have given me encouragement both in my personal, spiritual, and educational life. I've had neighbors that gave me everything from a shoulder to cry on, to a meal when I was unable to make them myself. I've had AMAZING friends. I had the wonderful pleasure to chat with 2 of my old friends that I haven't seen since high school today. Both probably don't even grasp how they helped me in times of serious need. One was there for me when I started out in a new school not knowing anyone. the other made me feel included when I no longer felt welcome in a group of friends. I have so many people that maybe think they are just a passing person in my life. They are wrong. so very wrong. I love, deeply love all of those who I have ever been honored to call my friend (and ask drew, I call everyone my friend). Any one of them could show up on my doorstep and I would welcome them with open arms. Last month I was in a store with my little family and I looked up to see someone who was once my BEST friend. we spent every day together. he'd deleted facebook so when I saw him it was like time slowed and I could feel the sunshine beam from my face as I loudly said "hey!!!" he looked, quickly said hi, looked at the ground and quickly walked past. I was crushed. I so often find myself thinking everyone is like me. eager to see people from my past, able to keep that love alive even when it's been a while. It turns out he'd actually blocked me from facebook. Along with a few other friends from high school. I don't know what I did to deserve but even though it saddens me I STILL care about them, I still keep tabs on them, I still want to know what is going on and how they are doing because I still love them.
If you ever don't feel that love from me, it's more a factor of time than anything. I promise.
It's crazy how much I love the human race.
It got me into trouble quite a few times before. I love so freely, I got hurt quickly and often. and when a love lasted, it hurt more than normal when it fell apart. even now though. every old boyfriend will have a place in my heart no matter if it were good terms or bad ones we left on.
so this is for you.
whether I saw you today, or many years ago. Whether I've met you or not.
I LOVE YOU!! I seriously do.
you have touched my life.
I can only hope others feel the same way about me :)

How May I Serve You?

I'm one of those eager to please people

I want everyone to like me

when they don't I want to know why and what I can do to make them like me

I think it has something to do with the fact that I see good in most everyone so if they are good, why would they dislike me? I'm good. 

that is unless someone has the skill to actually tick me off which is pretty rare. then I'm not so good

so I see things people write that they don't like and if I do one of those things I think to myself

"should I not do that anymore?"

I seriously need to cut it out.

I mean it's good sometimes if it's actually something that would improve myself

but if it's a silly thing then the only reason they don't like it is because they're grumpy people anyway right?

hey speaking of pleasing people you know what pleases me?

comments :) 

I like to know who likes me 

or my cute family

he's getting too big... so I want to put a brand new picture this time. I'll show you some rad ones later. 

seriously he's magic though. his hair color changed from red to brown to blonde 

he's like tonks I'm just waiting for the bubblegum color

...yeah I'm obsessed with harry potter. got a problem with that? well that won't ever change :)

Pain

Today I was awoken by a sharp constant pain in my lower stomach.

it felt strangely like a contraction.

a long hard never breaking or ending contraction

the only difference was my uterus does not take up my whole body but it was pretty obvious where the pain was being felt.

it was hard and painful and I found myself trying to breathe through the pain

Drew had worked until very late last night so I really didn't want to wake him

but then just as I thought it couldn't get worse

it did

and then it got worse and worse and worse

I woke drew with my sobbing and told him I was going to try and get in some hot water

I ran my tub (while I was doubled over) and climbed in and honestly I can't describe the degree of pain..

to be completely honest 

it felt like either I was having a misscariage or my Iud had gone though my fallopian tube and ruptured something

but there was no blood so I was baffled.

something in my head said to me

"you either need a blessing right now or you need to go to the hospital right NOW"

side note: for those of you who don't know. the worthy men in our church are given the priesthood and have the ability to give blessings. Usually for a blessing of healing you're supposed to have 2 priesthood holders present I think... but we had no time and I'm sure heavenly father understood.

Drew got dressed and gave me a wonderful blessing in which I was told that the pain would subside slowly and that it would leave no long term effects.

 (and also how i was doing a wonderful job at being a mom to porter)

Immediately afterwards the pain was lessened. It still hurt and if I got out of the fetal position it would all come back. slowly but surely it started going away.

Porter woke up and even though it felt like I would probably horribly injure myself I stood up and went to his room and just crawled in his crib (yup I'm awesome like that)

I curled up next to him while he crawled over me 

and then eventually I was ok enough to take him out and make him breakfast

then I was fine

my muscles are pretty sore

but I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful husband who holds such a wonderful power

(it's ok if you don't believe in it, but I sure do)

I was also going to throw in there that pain is so weird because it can be mind blowing and make you scream out and cry and moan and once it's gone it's this weird memory almost like it didn't really happen.

really truly honestly

I was thinking the other day about babies. people around me are getting prego and it makes me doubt what I know is true at moments; that no way can I do the whole second baby thing yet I'm so loving my lover boy all on his own. I've been thinking lots about next time and how I seriously am going to hire a doula (basically a cheerleader and birth coach that just focuses on helping you focus while the doc/midwife does the delivering) and do it without pain meds. It's going to be hard but honestly I know I can do it. I feel like I take the easy way out a lot of times in life and I want to be able to say I did at least 1 really hard accomplishment thing. 

anyways. 

I feel like I have a pretty good intuition about things in my life.

Like seriously, when I lose something, if I sit and genuinely think about it I'll know whether I'll find them again or not. It's this awesome calm feeling. 

and when i was prego and pre gender with my porter baby

I had names picked out for both boy and girl. the girl name was like .... eh. ok we have it. but I KNEW that my boy name just wasn't HIS name. I fretted and made lists and visited dozens of web sites of names trying to find THE name. when drew said "porter" I knew that instant. it was like this warm fuzzy calm filled every inch of my fingertips down to my toes. I knew.

Just like I  KNOW that another name I have is supposed to be our next baby's name. when we get around to that whole procreation thing again.

see though I was thinking the other day. about the end result of my family. I want 5 kids you see.

drew wants 3. I always said I'd get him to have 4 and then he'll know that the fifth was supposed to come. 

but seriously as I was pondering I just knew something. (just watch I'll be crazy wrong)

I am going to have 3 boys and then the last one MIGHT be a girl. and I'm pretty sure it will be.

but I won't have five. Four is the magic number. 

but I know the next boys name. I know it. 

the only problem is that drew doesn't like it. 

yet.

I'll remedy that situation though haha

because I know. 

Looking back

I was able to see my little boy for the first time in January of 2010. '

I teared up just looking at my little one kicking and squirming around already

I had the thought go across my mind wondering if I would get a girl or a boy

wondering about what the future held

what it would be like to hold that wonderful person in my arms for the first time

I look back now and think, how crazy

how crazy is it that it was even a possiblility in my head that he could have been a girl? 

because it's so obviously perfect for me to have my little boy, and he is a boy through and through. 

how crazy that I was only thinking of the first time I got to hold him and not how I get to hold him every day after that.

How crazy that I didn't know his personality

how crazy that I didn't know he'd have BLUE eyes

how crazy that I didn't know what it was like to hold my own flesh and blood

how crazy that I didn't know (still don't) how powerfully I can love a being

how crazy that the little wiggling thing on that picture, IS my sweet, giggly, smiley, independent, tough, exploring, active mama's boy. He just hadn't grown up yet. 

The craziest thing at all:

to think that there was ever a time before 

HIM

The sentence I hate most

I will not state who said it
(but let's be honest who else would)

but today I was chatting with said person, they did something that bothered me

and I got mad.

then I had the sentence to me:

"man you really are going to be starting soon"

... fury.

for reals though.

Let's be honest. we KNOW that mother nature makes us cranky around this time every month

we use it as an excuse the next day because we can't believe how crazy we were

yet when someone states to our face in that crazy moment...

why does it become so offensive?

I can't pinpoint why it makes my blood boil so...

but it does!

Even when my mother said it kindly in jr/high school

For reals

( and I REALLY want answers here people) 

why do YOU think it makes us so mad?

and does it make you mad? or do I just have an anger issue?

Friendship

I'm sorry it took me so long to get around to posting I seem to keep losing my camera so when I finally find it I have a few posts at a time.. oh well.
So I've been reminiscing lately back to my school days. I've mostly been pondering about my friendships. In jr. High I went to the same school as my cousin who is only 5 days older. I was a.... dependent personality and she is very independent. Therefore I leaned on her and while I made some of my own friends I mostly hung out with her group of friends. If people were getting together she was the one to call me and tell me. Now I'm not complaining because the friends I made independently of her are still some of the strongest friendships I have, and the ones I knew through her are people I still keep in touch with, but not really. It mainly lead me to the question.. were they actually MY friends, or did they just tolerate me?

Well fast forward to my Sophomore year. I went to the normal high school with all the same people from my jr high, and while I met people and made friends... my cousin had her own new group of friends and I stopped depending on her. When that happened I noticed I had nowhere to sit at lunch. I had no one to really count on, and while I know it was partially my fault for not really trying too hard, I seemed to find myself thinking that if I did try, I was forcing myself upon people who didn't really want me there. (I know I had such awesome confidence in myself)

During this year I started spending time with two boy (space) friends I knew through an orchestra program I had done in jr. high that went to another school. They were named Jeff and Joel. They were not only both at the same school but had the same group of friends. In that group of friends I started to "date" (as much as you can as a 15 year old girl) one other boy in the group named David. In this group there were girls and boys both of whom I clicked with. Joel or Jeff usually were the ones to invite me to the group's outings which were many and ultimately by the end of the school year I had put in my transfer papers to go to their high school.

David and I fizzled but it had no effect on the group's friendship with me so when I joined that school I felt like I had finally found myself. The boys eventually semi-separated from the girls and then when it was just the girls I was still invited to most things and I felt especially close to Carrie who always made sure to reach out to me. As time went on I knew they were "my group" but I didn't know really if I had fallen back into being someone they invited out of duty since they would occasionally forget me. I finally settled into accepting that fact when they went and did a friendship graduation photo shoot together that I didn't find out about until after the pictures were on facebook. By then I had gone through some relationship drama that had made me disappear into myself for my last year of school anyways so I just threw a bit of a pitty party and got on with my life that I was sure wouldn't include them since school was over so they had no more obligation to me.

Things happened after graduation as they always do, you sort of keep in touch with some but for the most part I fear I was right. A lot of girls I'm sure kind of cared, but didn't make much of an effort. 

But I digress the point of this is NOT to have you feel sorry for me.

The other day I was feeling down, I had been for a while because since having porter boy I haven't had much of a social life. I started getting down on myself saying that I never really was essential to anyone in high school, and I mostly hadn't made a lasting impression on anyone except family. (it's been super gloomy weather here so I'm sure the lack of sunshine has MOUNDS to do with it.)

I scooped my little boy up in my arms, shed a tear or two while he miraculously sat still, and then walked barefoot out to our mailbox. With porter in one arm I opened it up and found the mail lady (who is seriously super lazy she's done things like this before) had stuffed a package into our mailbox that is too small for it instead of walking down our driveway to leave it on our porch. (I mean seriously I know the driveway is longer but ... seriously?) In trying to get it out I actually ripped it open only to find a stuffed lamb inside of it and thought "how cute someone sent a toy for porter". I looked at who it was from and the wonderful Carrie had sent us this package. Inside of it was a card:

 you'll probably have to click on the picture to read the words....

I probably embarrassed her by putting this up

but Carrie you really were Inspired to send this to me. 

I love this girl with my whole heart, she knows the hardships that I've been through and still loves me :)

and I'm so grateful to my friends who are always there 

EXACTLY

when I need a bit of a pick me up:)

(sorry that was a lot of words...)

Hands

I have a fascination with hands and life.

I love those who have lived longer than me

and I love the way that skin wears with the experience it has come to know.

I know that's weird... I mean put it in simple terms and you'll say 

"you like wrinkles??"

but I do.

I love hands more than the skin on ones face or arms or feet.

Because Hands are the center of who we are.

I once took a picture of my Great Grandmother's hands as she held a glass of wine or apple juice or I don't know... 

Either way I honestly can't find it but

I still consider it to be my favorite picture that I've ever taken 

and I took it when i was.. 12 or 10 or something.

But there is just something about hands. 

Some say eyes are the window to our soul. 

That may be true

But hands are the key to our lives.

The scars, the calluses, the wrinkles, the texture.

Hands are what we use when we hug

when we put our hand on someone's arm to show we care

when we clasp our fingers together to pray

when we entwine them with someone else's to show we care

When we put them on someone's back to guide them

when we offer them out to help someone back up

when we hold our newborn child

when we guide food into our own or someone else's mouth

when we build our home

when we clean it

when we plant a garden or flowers

when we mow the lawn

when we hold them tight to a rope as we swing through the wonderful sky

when we need to pull ourselves up when we fall

I love hands

I look at my baby boy's hands and think 

I'm going to teach you to use your hands to reassure your friends and wife that you're there for them

to hold his own child

to provide for his family

and one day hold my hand as I pass out of this world.

I will teach his hands with my hands for the rest of my life.

My favorite pictures from my wedding..

My grandmother's hands (the daughter of the one I took the picture of) signing her love to us

 

My Maid of Honor Tying up my dress

 My husband Sliding on the symbol that we are now bound forever

 His hands leading me through a turn during our first dance

 Him holding my ring while I have my hand around his waist

 and our hands holding each other. Knowing that we have to keep holding each others' hand to get through the rest of forever together.

and hopefully
One day
My hands will show that I worked hard
I Raised my children
I've been through hardships and survived
and I made it there holding the hand of my sweetheart
This is my Great Grandma a mere 5 months before she passed
some may say her skin is saggy
I say it's tired from living those 98 years
Loving unconditionally
Living Life Happily
Regardless of the hardships
It was there through it all

 and you know if you look past the age
we actually look a little alike :)

Birth Thoughts

I keep hearing from sooo many people about how horrible today's society is

All because of Pitocin and Epidurals.

Frankly I'm right smack dab in the middle between pro and pro

I"m pro everything.

Pro whatever YOU want to do 

and I'm con people downing on either way.

In my opininon you are not crazy if you want to do a home birth 

(personally I would not do it at my home because i've seen that mess... I don't want to clean it up)

and You are not killing your child if you want it out/ don't want to feel the pain.

I don't know I just keep hearing about how Pitocin gives you harder stronger contractions

and I just didn't have that experience. 

I'm very positive that for some people It's the worst experience they've ever had, but personally I had easygoing contractions (as easygoing as they could be) and they were even, I had breaks, and it didn't stress baby porter out in anyway.

The Epidural was mild on me, It took my pain away but no feeling. I could walk right after birth, and Porter was awake for probably over 3 hours after he was born. 

In fact we had to put a blanket over the side of his clear bed so he'd stop looking around and go to sleep.

Don't get me wrong I don't condone doing it the drug induced way...

he just wouldn't come out on his own even though I'd been having contractions for a week 5 minutes apart.

I very much look up to those who do it naturally in fact I'm considering it for my next baby. 

For me I wanted to know how my labor was going to go and how well I did for the first, and now that I know my body takes it pretty well... I'm really looking into a Hospitilized natural birth for this next one. 

I will be getting an Iv however because I LOVED that I didn't have to drink mounds of water I just got it injected directly in my arm and I was hydrated :)

I know I like weird things.

I don't know If I were to recommend anything I'd choose

• having the water broken first over pitocin (but I wouldn't turn it down if things still didn't progress)
• Having an epidural if you want one with the first baby at least because honestly the first labor is on average like 12 hours... 
• not putting down people who don't choose to be in pain.... I guess it's a thing I have against being judged and having other people being judged.. although then I'm judging those who judge... no. I prefer to look at it like... wishing those who judge didn't so there might be a little more love and understanding in the world. 

Blah I'm cheesy

and a little crazy

 I guess i was just lucky to have such a cutie who handled labor super well regardless of my drug infused body at the time of his birth.

aka him going from this

to this

Paranoia or Preminition?

I have been freaking out for a while now. It's more of a constant Paranoia or bad feeling I keep getting. I don't know what it is but I just get so scared when I talk to people I love. I have this horrible sense of impending doom... I sound so down and it really is fine but every time I say goodbye to someone I love I make sure it's a quality goodbye. The thing is, the source of my worry isn't for myself. It has just been striking me lately how easy it is for people to die, and I don't want to be one of those people who regret the last time I saw anyone. I hope it's just paranoia, but if not, at least I'm taking care to love everyone and try to show my love. So you, I love you. whoever you are. whether you are one of my closest friends, someone who just wants to keep tabs on my life, or someone I've never met. I love you. :) just know that.

Moment

I just had a total moment with porter. I was laying on the floor with him on his stomach, there was music in the background. He had been trying to crawl or more scoot for a while and he stopped, put his head at a 90 degree angle to the floor and just yawned. All off a sudden i realized how big he's gotten and how every time he goes down for the night it's another day gone and one day closer to the day he leaves home to make his own. I was flooded with the overwhelming love of a mother and her baby. My heart aches in just overwhelming love for my little human.... he is so amazing and so handsome and smiley as long as he has your undivided attention which I will be satisfied with how much I give him. Anyway i don't care if you care, I just thought it was a moment to remember.

Day 22 - A picture that confuses you

Don't you wish you could read minds?

This is my wonderful sweet sweet husband (who at this moment was my to be)

I want to know exactly what is going through his head.

I don't like that they say a picture that confuses you because honestly why would a picture confuse you?

This picture more makes me wonder

makes me want to dig deep inside his brain 

At this moment I was rushing to get ready because I was running crazy late that day

everything went wrong

until this moment.

the moment I was getting ready to walk down those stairs

down that isle

to marry my wonderful sweetheart.

He says he never once doubted that I was the one

so 

if it isn't doubt on his face what is it?

any guesses from those who have been there?

We are OUT!

*just a pre warning... I'm kind of all over the place

I'm finally out of our apartment! now everything that was left.. you know that stuff that you don't have anywhere to put but you need it? like my sewing machine, the camp stoves, the extra microwave, some vases, and a bunch of other stuff.. well it's all sitting in my living room and I really want to put it away. Ugh Porter is asleep and it's the PERFECT time to get it done (and I know you all say that you should relax when the baby is asleep but my relaxing can't happen if the house is THIS dirty) but I just kind of feel overwhelmed. I'm stuck. I can't relax, but I can't start cleaning... BLEGH. Poor little boy of mine has been ignored the last few days while we went crazy painting that place back and making it look brand new. It seriously did except my property manager threw a fit about paint being on the outlets and outlet covers... really... it's a pretty flippin small thing but whatever. all I know is we had better get our deposit back because it's basically that small little check that will be the difference between me having to find a job and not having to find a job. yeah... I want to go back to jitters desperately, I miss the people I work with and the people that come through, but they don't have any hours for me and it makes me feel super sad. I cried so hard the day they  told me I couldn't come back yet. 

OH!

Awesome news! So My little family is coming to salt lake for the 30th to go to my grandma's halloween party and that will be an absolute blast! I usually have a rule about being the same thing 2 years in a row but I had the best idea so I"m going to be a football player again, and little porter is my football! :) Way back when, the amazing Doug Smith and Mark Smith let me have an olympus high football jersey when I managed the football team and it's amazingly nice!  

Also I get to have another salt lake trip the next weekend which I am so so so excited for! I'm going down for my friend Traci's baby shower and then staying over night (which is a HUGE deal because I've never been allowed to spend a night away from drew if he wasn't doing something in the first place like the annual backpacking trip) to go to my mom's ward. I get to show off my bebe and see everyone. I am really just so so so excited for these next two weeks! 

Now if only I could get the flipping house clean.