Reminiscing

In a week or so my little boy turns 18 months old. ( 1.5 years.) I had the wonderful opportunity to go and see one of my very closest friends in the hospital 2 days ago the day after she had her sweet baby boy. He was a healthy 9lbs 4 oz. which is one pound one ounce heavier than porter was. As I cuddled that sweet miracle I fell instantly madly in love with him and my heart broke from holding so much excitement and joy for Jelli. I eventually handed Liam back to his mom and watched her coddle her hours old child. I had the strangest flashback sitting in that room to days that seem so far away yet so recent. The birth of my own sweet boy. I honestly hadn't thought about his birth or my hospital stay much at all until this point. 

I remember knowing I was getting an epidural the first time I gave birth for sure. So the second I couldn't speak through them I asked for a cure. I remember having the night to sleep but never using one minute of my painless labor for rest because I was far too excited to meet my son. I recall having to push an 8 pound baby out of my tiny hips (which are now more like normal hips) and having the pressure of it all freak me out. I remember asking one question to try and distract me from the sensation of my bones moving apart to allow the passage of a human being and not having my husband or the doctor or the nurses tell me what color the hair they were telling me about was. I can see them lifting him onto my stomach and handing me a towel telling me to clean him off and being surprised   shocked at how he looked exactly like my baby pictures. My first though literally was " he looks like a sam not a porter". I remember that after a few minutes they took him to the bed at my feet to check him out and being so distraught that he was crying and drew wouldn't talk to him to comfort him because I KNEW that if he would start talking porter would know who his daddy was. Nursing was much easier than I expected. I got so lucky to have a baby who just knew how to latch. I remember being able to stand pretty well right away regardless of them trying to take all my weight. Sitting in a wheelchair and being handed this tiny fragile person and being terrified they would stop short while pushing me and he would fly out of my arms and break. My hairy little boy who cried during his first bath but was 100% soothed by warm running water on his skull. The fact that he was awake for 4 straight hours after his birth, so curious of the world and what was in it. He looked around and even when we laid him down in his little plastic bed he would not stop gazing at the room. Finally draping a blanket over the side of the plastic bed so he couldn't see there was a world out there to examine and having it take 30 seconds for him to fall asleep once we made that move. I remember panicking when he choked on his mucus for the first time. Bawling when he did it 4 more times and finally begging the nurses to take him for the night so I could stop worrying that he'd die if I slept only to have nightmares that the nurses wouldn't catch it either. I remember thinking about going home, and feeling my chest tighten up. Never feeling this degree of worry before. I remember getting out of my hospital bed, climbing on to drew's couch, tucking my knees up to my chin and covering myself with a blanket because I needed to NOT have a panic attack. I remember driving home with him for the first time, and i remember turning over and seeing my 4 day old baby blue and shaking because he could not breathe. I also remember the way he looked at me. The way he fell asleep at my breast. How soft his hair was and the way it curled when it got wet. I remember having a baby with brunette hair on his head, arms, back and those awesome sideburns. I remember my mom staying with us and taking care of me and making me eat even when she was going through a rough time herself. 

I know this is major long but I don't know how long I'll remember those first few days and I've never actually sat down and thought about the details. Being a mother is the hardest and best thing in the world. I love how he tears the house apart, pulls couch cushions off and spreads food into every corner and then turns to me and wraps his arms around my shoulder and neck making me forgive everything he had just done. I just can't believe that He went from this. 

to this.