Insulting in your sleep

My drewface is the sweetest guy! ... unless he's mad... or asleep.

Yes. Asleep.

I first realized this when we were dating. we fell asleep at his mom's house on the couch. We'd done this a few times and he almost always woke me up at 2 in the morning to take me home. I woke up around 12 and wanted to know whether we were really going to stay there that night so I could sleep without worrying he'd wake me up, or if we should just leave then since I was already awake. 

So I gently nudged him a few times asking the question and finally he turned to me and yelled at the top of his lungs so the whole house heard 

"ARE YOU RETARDED!?" (if that offends you i'm super sorry.. I'm just quoting..)

he then continued to sleep and I started nervously laughing and eventually took it to mean we were going to spend the night sleeping on the couch. 

In the morning, he had no recollection of this sleep insult.

He often just gets ornery and starts yelling that I shouldn't be so mad at him if he falls asleep during a movie because he's tired because he's worked so hard so I should chill the freak out.. which is true except i'd woken him up gently and nicely because I was not upset or mad... he's just a little insane.

sometimes he yells, sometimes he insults and usually they are either funny or weird. Whenever porter wakes him up at night (which with the nightmares or whatever has been happening to him lately has been at least once a night) he in a sickeningly hateful tone says things like "that kid is so horrible" or "he's pissing me off so bad" or "he's such a freakin brat this is getting so old" which he never remembers in the morning, nor does he ever say when he's awake. It's a good thing I get up cause I'm a peach at night :)

anywhoo... the whole purpose of me revealing my little marriage quirk is what happened last night.( oh! He's also super hoggy like with the blankets and bed aka I get up to get porter and when i've put him back down I can't get back in bed because drew's turned over and taken my spot while still occupying his side... it's annoying and i'm not nearly strong or brave enough to shove him... it's a careful business...) I swear if I didn't love to cuddle or be near him we'd have separate beds :)

SO last night he ended up sleeping sideways and my legs were falling off the bed so I asked him to straighten himself, 

he called me a brat and told me I needed to shave my legs. 

It was by far the funniest thing he's ever said while sleep insulting.

I just thought i'd share that little piece of gold before I woke him up for church and told him again how crazy he is when he sleeps. :)

I'm so nosy...

So. This morning drew left open his email and I saw some conversations he'd had with a friend while he and I were dating. 

aka. breaking up all the time. 

I was in love with a missionary. I wanted to marry said missionary. So when dating drew got serious, I broke it off. Honestly now that I look back on it I always knew that he was the one for me. I think I just was super conflicted that I thought I knew what I wanted but then he came along and shook me up so much.... not to mention I was so young I didn't think that I could honestly get married and make such a big decision at that age. It seems all wonky since I thought I was marrying the missionary but that was a ways away until he came home and such. 

anywhoo.. over and over I broke it off with drew and getting back together with him. 

long story short I finally made the decision and I LOVE that man so passionately and completely that it still takes me by surprise. The thing is I know he loves me, but every once in a while I find something or hear something or see something that lets me peer into that man brain of his. You know those men. They say the I love You's but it's kinda hard to genuinely pick their brain about emotion. 

Just in case you were wondering, he's loved me from the beginning. ha. that was a little anticlimactic.

I can't tell you what he said then because you know embarrassing and it makes me look way worse than I already do... but even though I was having a hard time with the break ups, I guess I thought he was doing as bad as I was, but he was worse. I'm so grateful he stuck around through all the crap, unfortunately I needed that time to realize that marriage is what I actually wanted.

I love this man. 

isn't he delicious?

Sad Posts are Never Fun Posts

People get uncomfortable when people put negative things online. Like if they're frustrated, sad or just downright low. It's like we have to only put happy things  up or we're whiny or weak or whatever.
except I don't have more than maybe 2 friends I physically see sooo now I'm down and need a pep talk and I want to turn to you cyber friends.

I don't even know what's wrong. I just feel down. Like I'm stuck in a rut with life. Like marriage and parenthood and general happiness. My marriage is fine I won't put drew down (even if he ever deserved it, which he doesn't) but sometimes I feel like I'm just living with a roommate. I feel like I can't say positive things. like it'll kill me or something, but my outlook is not positive so saying positive things wouldn't be in character. Parenting is seriously hard now. Porter is amazing with his pincer fingers, kissing when he's asked to kiss, voices when he's playing, the way he puts anything and everything up to his ear and starts jabbering, the way he started to say bye bye today (yey) the way he actually cuddles sometimes if there's tv on or we sit out on the porch swing watching the storm. But then he grabs some giant hard toy, walks up to me and deliberately puts all his weight behind it and hits me in the face. I've even bruised a few times. I don't know what to do. sometimes I yell, loudly out of the sheer shock of it I don't even think, I just yell. then he cries and lays his head on my chest as if to apologize and let me apologize at the same time. but I can't take hitting much longer. I really try to sit him on my lap and talk in a nice voice and explain why it's mean and bad to hit and it hurts me and hurts my feelings but he still doesn't stop.

I think all of this also is amplified by the overall losery feeling I've been feeling about myself. I'm having trouble making myself happy and it's seriously infecting every aspect of my life. I used to be an awesome (well... when I actually got around to it) cleaner and lately when I actually get up and clean, I can't get up enough energy to actually overachieve at it. I clean because one, the house looks awesome which makes me feel better, and two it makes drew happy and when drew's happy it makes me happy. so why on earth am I not trying?

I'm packing tomorrow to leave my husband and son (for the first time) for a weekend to travel to see one of my best friends go through the temple and get married. I'm so hoping that it's enough time out of the house, away from stress, and with normal sized humans who don't smack me in the face to jump start my system and get me back to normal cause I HATE this feeling.

I hate not feeling like myself. and in return feeling like I'm bringing my marriage down, and not being a good mother. I swear if I didn't know better I'd think I had the baby blues.

any advice?

also any prayers that drew doesn't kill porter while I'm gone all weekend would be nice. I'm a little worried he'll forget to change his diaper all day or feed him or get him out of bed when he cries :) Drew's had it easy cause I do it all ha ha ha

sorry that you had to read a sad no fun post. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

Pain

Today I was awoken by a sharp constant pain in my lower stomach.

it felt strangely like a contraction.

a long hard never breaking or ending contraction

the only difference was my uterus does not take up my whole body but it was pretty obvious where the pain was being felt.

it was hard and painful and I found myself trying to breathe through the pain

Drew had worked until very late last night so I really didn't want to wake him

but then just as I thought it couldn't get worse

it did

and then it got worse and worse and worse

I woke drew with my sobbing and told him I was going to try and get in some hot water

I ran my tub (while I was doubled over) and climbed in and honestly I can't describe the degree of pain..

to be completely honest 

it felt like either I was having a misscariage or my Iud had gone though my fallopian tube and ruptured something

but there was no blood so I was baffled.

something in my head said to me

"you either need a blessing right now or you need to go to the hospital right NOW"

side note: for those of you who don't know. the worthy men in our church are given the priesthood and have the ability to give blessings. Usually for a blessing of healing you're supposed to have 2 priesthood holders present I think... but we had no time and I'm sure heavenly father understood.

Drew got dressed and gave me a wonderful blessing in which I was told that the pain would subside slowly and that it would leave no long term effects.

 (and also how i was doing a wonderful job at being a mom to porter)

Immediately afterwards the pain was lessened. It still hurt and if I got out of the fetal position it would all come back. slowly but surely it started going away.

Porter woke up and even though it felt like I would probably horribly injure myself I stood up and went to his room and just crawled in his crib (yup I'm awesome like that)

I curled up next to him while he crawled over me 

and then eventually I was ok enough to take him out and make him breakfast

then I was fine

my muscles are pretty sore

but I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful husband who holds such a wonderful power

(it's ok if you don't believe in it, but I sure do)

I was also going to throw in there that pain is so weird because it can be mind blowing and make you scream out and cry and moan and once it's gone it's this weird memory almost like it didn't really happen.

I feel like just typing...

I want to get my thoughts out there, and i may or may not post this depending on how crazy it makes me sound or whatever. 

First off i have pandora on my phone and I put it on taylor swift which is actually really good but I find myself loving her more and more. That was the kind of girl i was growing up, a hopeless romantic. I mean I know everyone has their jokes about how much of a player i was or how i just had boy after boy but it's really all because I was just always looking for someone to love. I mean i loved being loved and cuddled and adored, which many people say  that if you need someone to make yourself feel better than you don't love yourself. I love myself a lot, maybe not as much as I should but what teenage girl really does love herself all the way? We don't know who we are at that age. So I searched, i tried not to mourn breakups and rejections for too long because that was time i could be using to care about someone else. 

I really can relate to so many of her lyrics though... I mean when i fell for someone new, i let myself fall hard. I've only had one true heartbreak though which I think really is ok. I mean it was important for my life and who I am to have been in love as much as I was, and I don't think I could really appreciate the good in life if I hadn't experienced such an ultimate low. Man though, it makes the lyrics a little more accurate (except in my case it was 17 not 15) when you're 15 and someone tell you they love you, you're going to believe them, but of course i believed him because, well as far as our teenage brains knew, we really wholeheartedly meant it. the point of me bringing up past sad feelings is because like I said, sometimes you have to fully experience deep despair to be able to appreciate the experiences that bring you higher than the space shuttle will ever be able to fly. 

I am no longer the girl who just chases after whoever, in fact I feel like i have in a lot of ways left who I used to be completely behind, and as I look back I feel so much gratitude to my wonderful husband who didn't change me, but brought to my attention when my actions hurt him, and didn't leave, but stayed around as i changed myself. 

Now I look around me and want to completely break down into uncontrollable sobbing, all from how uncontrollably blessed I am, and how much I really don't believe that I deserve to be this happy.

I sit in my grandfather's recliner in the corner of a beautifully decorated nursery with my shirt pulled over my stomach to expose the stretched round belly I now wear. It is not the perfect little round ball I always thought you get, there are imperfections, there are times where one side is about 3 inches taller than the other. There are very often times where I watch as a tiny bump appears on one side, and glides around in no organized manor. Even when it is painful, I can't help but have a grin appear touching both edges of my face. My hand can't help but to meet the moving bump to try and express at least a part of  the incredible amount of love I have for him, and still have yet to meet him.

My good friends Janae and Stu had their wonderful daughter the other day and watching them just love her, not being able to hold her quite yet, and the way they loved each other with just a look, (I know I'm being stupid because I really don't like the twilight series all that much but this one line always stood out to me) it reminded me of how in the second book when bella said sam came home and the way he looked at his fiance was so full of love that it felt like she should turn away it was such a personal moment. I feel that way sometimes when looking at them because they love each other so much, especially going through such a scary time with their daughter. I hope in some way others sometimes feel that about me and drew, because it isn't uncomfortable, it's just wonderful.

As I think of my wonderful child that is growing day by day, I can't help but to fall more and more in love with the wonderful man I get to spend my life with. He loves this baby more than he lets on most of the time, but every once in a while I find us completely caught up in the most blissful moments. Wednesday for example, we were driving back from mendon where his parents live which if you don't know is a completely gorgeous green countryside. Drew reaches over, feels my stomach a little bit and lets out the biggest laugh. He starts telling our sweet child how he can feel his little bum and pushing and feeling his outline and every single time porter would push in retaliation, drew would let out the most fun bellowing laugh that I don't know if i've ever heard come out of his mouth before. The complete joy Drew was feeling and being able to watch this special moment for the two of them, it just made me completely lose myself in the moment as well and start laughing. 

I live for memories like that. 

Another wondeful thing that drew reminded me of was a few nights ago as well. We were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. Drew was holding me tight, you know those times where they squeeze and don't let go and you can basically feel the love overflowing? It was one of those hugs. anyway, I put his hand on my stomach to let him love porter as well, and he said something that made my heart just explode from love. He turned to me and said "Sam , I love him so much, but right now I want to focus on you. He will be in our lives forever, but he will leave the house one day and neither you or I will ever leave. So right now, I'm focusing on the one I get to be with every day for the rest of eternity." 

I love my husband. I"m so glad I got to experience sadness growing up, I'm glad I went through hard times with family, with friends, with life, with relationships. Had I not had a hard life, I would never be able to grasp how insanely lucky I am and I would never be able to feel the tops of the highs I have in life. I would just be suspended halfway, not knowing how much more amazing I could feel.

Tomorrow

It's a very special and VERY busy day. I'm glad the special happens at the end so i won't be thinking about doctor's appointments or work.
I can't believe this time tomorrow all the waiting will be over!

What I am grateful for Today

I want to tell everyone how adorable of a person that I was lucky enough to marry. After over 2 years of being together I think today was one of the best days so far. We got up and got ready for church early in the morning and headed off at 9. It was an amazing session spiritually for me and really got me inspired and excited about improving and trying to look and see where i need to do better. When we got home drew started making dinner. He usually does so it wasn't out of the ordinary but he was just so extra sweet today, there was a little extra sparkle in his eye today. After dinner he came over to me on the couch, sat down, got out the computer and put on John schmidt's Love story Meets Viva La vida (which I love), he sets the computer on the floor, picks me up like a little kid (you know where one hand is under your knees and the other is around your back) and pulls me on his lap and just holds me. I really can't tell you how sweet it was and i don't think he's ever done that before. (not to say he doesn't cuddle all the time but the way he did it was so gentle and cute) afterwards he found a cute chickflick (seridipity) and put it on and just held me while we watched the movie.

He's always been a sweetheart and he's always been super thoughtful but really since I got pregnant things have just been better between us. We both have just been better people (minus my little pregnancy outbursts that you really can't honestly blame on me) and we have fallen even deeper in love. We are so excited and I know I'm blogging about feelings a lot but I really don't have anything else on my mind. I am so grateful for my two greatest blessings and I really can't imagine my life any other way. Everything happens for a reason and if i had taken one turn differently I really doubt that I would be in any situation that could even compare to how blissful I am now!

Love you all!!!

(ps. you guys I'll put up a normal post of stuff we've been up to soon so you don't have to read my mushy gushy stuff next time ha ha )

2 years

I've talked about drew a few hundred times on here but here goes one more

Today is our 2 years of "officially" dating. I have loved every single day (even the days we fight) and I am so eternally grateful for the amazing things he does for me. Every night no matter what he wakes me up when he gets in bed and keeps me up for an hour no matter how grumpy I am. He is more patient durring this time because... well he has to be. He keeps me up because he wants to talk about our day. Can i just tell you how darn irresistable it is to hear the cute little words "i just wanted to hear about the things you haven't told me yet" are after you've just groaned that you hate being woken up?

He's amazing.

I look forward every work day to the lunch he brings me because after i'm done eating i lean over in the car against his chest and he just holds me.

I love him so much and I really will never ever be able to fully express the joy he brings into my life even when i fight the smiles :)

Two of my Favorite Blessings

This picture was taken on December 10, 2007 It is our DTR (define the relationship) and this is the day that drew and I officially became "boyfriend girlfriend."

I can't beleive that we've been together for 2 years now and I love it more than anything else!  He is honestly a blessing to be because no matter if i'm mad at him or mad at the world he tries so hard (sometimes too hard (: ) to make me smile again.

I have this thing where if somene tells me i'm going to smile or i can't smile or anything like that i turn into a two year old that gets this cheesy grin on no matter how much i don't want to be smiling and drew knows it.

It drives me crazy when i'm actually angry and he makes me laugh but when I'm not fuming and I look back on it there is no way to express how grateful I am to him.

This is my favorite picture from the wedding. I was late to the wedding and stressed out from getting ready as fast as i could. It was a horrible start to the best day of my life but drew instead of getting impatient was just worried about me.

Brock our amazing photographer was able to catch him waiting for me to be ready so we could get married and you can just see the emotion on his face.

I am eternally blessed from having this wonderful man in my life.

My second Blessing is the Gougler Family.

Isaac and Keri

and their two wonderful daughters

Chloe -18 mos & Kenzie - 3

Drew works long hours and they live 2 doors down. I was finding myself in a sort of depressing state when he would go away and I was starting to feel like i had no friends when Keri and I started talking more.

first off I love Keri and Isaac. I really do. they are the 2 most wonderful people i have ever met and I have the honor of calling them my good friends.

Isaac works a lot but when he is home he always welcomes me in like it's normal even though I know that having some girl over all the time is probably not always the most convienent thing for them. Keri is just as wonderful because no matter what she always looks happy to see me. I love getting closer to her and i'm really finding an amazing best friend in her that I don't know how i ever lived without.

Now the girls. man that house would not be the same without them. Kenzie is always making me laugh and is so darn smart! and Chloe... sigh.. i love that little girl! She is starting to talk so she'll just pick something up, walk over and say "LOOK!"

I really don't know how I can describe the smile that they both have and it just melts my heart.

Kenzie turned to me the other day and said "Sam, I love you"

I melted over her and said "I love you too Kenzie"

as if that wasn't enough she then looked at me looking completely taken aback and asked "REALLY??? YOU LOVE... ME??? "

cutest thing in the whole world.

Shoulda Had a Honeymoon...

Well here we are, 8 days into our new family and doing very well! We even have been fighting way less than what we ever did when we were dating. We've been trying to get the cards from the wedding all sorted and find addresses so we can hopefully start writing thank you cards (although i know when it comes time to buy stamps and the actual cards it'll be like pulling teeth to get drew to part with the money.)

Again, we really want to thank everyone who came to the wedding and/or Open house. We really, truly are so grateful to you and we loved that we got the opportunity to see every one of you.

We went shopping yesterday with our gift cards and had an absolute blast! At bed bath & beyond we got everything from a new bed in a bag to an ice cream scoop! Target was so much fun because they had a bigger selection we spent most of it on games! We got Uno, Phase 10, Monopoly, and Life. and the Life we got was the true old fashioned life from like the 70's. The money is even super ancient :) Needless to say we're excited to play!

We are also trying to clean the house because we're stoked to have our first married play date tomorrow night with our friend Jeremy and his wife. Drew got his job at Gossners because the current holder of the position had to leave for an internship over the summer. The person who left was the person who also trained drew and since the shifts are about 10 hour shifts, drew got to know the trainer a lot. That was Jeremy. After his internship Jeremy couldn't get his job back (because drew had it) which we sometimes tease him about. So he went to work at Home Depot in the Garden section which is now where I work! So drew and I have both had a chance to get to know this strapping lad and we're both very fond of him.

well the reason for the Title... we've been slackers. we mean to go to work on time, or at all... we really do! But we find ourselves turning off the alarm not wanting to leave each other's side :)
I Know we're adorable, but this is going to cause a problem if we keep it up! so we decided that it's all because we didn't get a week to relax and spend so much time with each other that we're okay going back to work...

well I should go... I wrote too much :)

Much love to you though!!

Marriage is what brings us together today!

MaWell here we are! Mr and Mrs Whiteley! Our wedding day turned out so well after it was all done but through the whole process it was more hectic than i ever thought it could get. We started out the day as any old day, just sitting on the couch at my mom's house chatting with my step father about how we couldn't believe the day had finally come. We took our turns showering and brushing our teeth and then eventually we realized that it was time to head to the rehearsal. Drew and I packed up the car with everything that was left and headed to walmart because of course we had forgotten to buy a throwing bouquet :).

After walmart we headed off to Heritage gardens where my amazing bridesmaids were all there on time and we had to wait for the crew from Logan to get there. We spoke to the bishop to finalize what was to be said and figure out the order of exchanging rings and kissing. After everyone arrived we ran through a quick rehearsal and bing bang boom we were done.

Some of us went to my mom's house to get ready and I printed off 2 map quest papers quickly. one for Breanne to get back to the reception center and one for me so i could get to the salon. As I printed them out i realized that I had left my Headband and Veil at the reception center! A bit more pressed for time i quickly left the house and drove to the reception center. Ran up the stairs, found my items and rushed back to the car.

Arriving at the Visions Salon 10 minutes late i told the receptionist who i was there for, she came back, looked at my veil and asked if i were getting a massage. I looked at her in disbelief and said "no I'm getting my hair done." What she said next hit me like a ton of bricks... "I think you might be at the wrong visions salon, there is this one in Draper and the other one is in taylorsville" (now keep in mind that I by this point was now 13 minutes late for my hair appointment.) She went to get what looked like the manager of the salon and as she came out she looked up the address in the phonebook, gave me directions (the salon turned out to be in sandy instead of taylorsville) and as the receptionist asked if I wanted to call them to tell them i was coming, the manager replied, "no we'll call them you go"

I, now bawling called my mother to tell her where i was going, then called my bridesmaid Chelsea to have her tell drew that I WAS NOT RUNNING AWAY rushed off to the other salon. I arrived at the right visions salon 30 minutes late for my appointment and as amazing as Becky was, it still took almost 2 hours to Finnish my hair and for her to help with my makeup. I thanked her with my whole heart, and jumped back into the car.

Just so you all know my ceremony was supposed to start at 3.
it is now 3:15

I RAN inside and had actually left my necklace that i had begged so badly to get for the wedding in the car. When i got there we all hurried to get me done up and get my dress on everything i had left to do. And that was the end of the stress.

The rest of the day ran very well, the ceremony was wonderful, drew and i both got so lost in each others eyes that it took us both a full minute to realize we were supposed to be saying "I Do." I think it was a very fun touch that i came up with to as we were leaving the chapel to have "All you need is love" by the Beatles play. (everyone laughed and it made me smile)

The ceremony turned out well and we are both so grateful to everyone who came and supported us! Of course afterwards we were disappointed with a few that SHOULD have been there, but all in all we feel very blessed to have the turn out that we got.

We spent our wedding night in the scariest motel 6 you've ever seen :) but we decided we were too tired to go home and we were broke :) We have been spending the past day at the Anniversary Inn LOVING the room we have and the breakfast they served us this morning! oh my heavens it was amazingly tasty. Currently drew is snoozing in bed and i'm about to go wake him up. It's almost check out time and we've got to start getting our things together.

We both want to express our love and Gratitude to everyone who came Monday and we hope to see those of you who couldn't make it on Monday at the open house on Saturday!