Sad Posts are Never Fun Posts

People get uncomfortable when people put negative things online. Like if they're frustrated, sad or just downright low. It's like we have to only put happy things  up or we're whiny or weak or whatever.
except I don't have more than maybe 2 friends I physically see sooo now I'm down and need a pep talk and I want to turn to you cyber friends.

I don't even know what's wrong. I just feel down. Like I'm stuck in a rut with life. Like marriage and parenthood and general happiness. My marriage is fine I won't put drew down (even if he ever deserved it, which he doesn't) but sometimes I feel like I'm just living with a roommate. I feel like I can't say positive things. like it'll kill me or something, but my outlook is not positive so saying positive things wouldn't be in character. Parenting is seriously hard now. Porter is amazing with his pincer fingers, kissing when he's asked to kiss, voices when he's playing, the way he puts anything and everything up to his ear and starts jabbering, the way he started to say bye bye today (yey) the way he actually cuddles sometimes if there's tv on or we sit out on the porch swing watching the storm. But then he grabs some giant hard toy, walks up to me and deliberately puts all his weight behind it and hits me in the face. I've even bruised a few times. I don't know what to do. sometimes I yell, loudly out of the sheer shock of it I don't even think, I just yell. then he cries and lays his head on my chest as if to apologize and let me apologize at the same time. but I can't take hitting much longer. I really try to sit him on my lap and talk in a nice voice and explain why it's mean and bad to hit and it hurts me and hurts my feelings but he still doesn't stop.

I think all of this also is amplified by the overall losery feeling I've been feeling about myself. I'm having trouble making myself happy and it's seriously infecting every aspect of my life. I used to be an awesome (well... when I actually got around to it) cleaner and lately when I actually get up and clean, I can't get up enough energy to actually overachieve at it. I clean because one, the house looks awesome which makes me feel better, and two it makes drew happy and when drew's happy it makes me happy. so why on earth am I not trying?

I'm packing tomorrow to leave my husband and son (for the first time) for a weekend to travel to see one of my best friends go through the temple and get married. I'm so hoping that it's enough time out of the house, away from stress, and with normal sized humans who don't smack me in the face to jump start my system and get me back to normal cause I HATE this feeling.

I hate not feeling like myself. and in return feeling like I'm bringing my marriage down, and not being a good mother. I swear if I didn't know better I'd think I had the baby blues.

any advice?

also any prayers that drew doesn't kill porter while I'm gone all weekend would be nice. I'm a little worried he'll forget to change his diaper all day or feed him or get him out of bed when he cries :) Drew's had it easy cause I do it all ha ha ha

sorry that you had to read a sad no fun post. I just really needed to get that off my chest.