Spiritually Reprimanded by an 18 Month old.

Just a tiny short story for you:

I made dinner Friday night. Spaghetti, since we have nothing else and need to go shopping on Monday. I got Porter's Plate ready and set it in front of him, I got my plate ready and sat at the table with my back to porter,  I picked up my silverware and was met with an incessant "mom MOM MOM moom MOm ". I sigh turn around exasperatedly and say "WHAT!". He narrows his eyes and in one swift move, slaps each hand to the opposite elbow (essentially folding his arms) and bowing his head.
My sweet little heavenly angel boy was so upset with me because I had forgotten to bless the food!
I hurried and folded my arms and said a prayer to which he ended nan-nan

I love the blessing he is to me. seriously this kid is awesome. 

"another soul to marvel over"

I was just reading This Blog and I just loved the way she was talking about things that when the time comes I'm sure I'll be just as nervous and excited. I got so nervous when porter was born my mom had to come up and force feed me. But that little boy of hers is so adorable. I look forward to the day when I can just snuggle up with my porter boy and have a conversation about whatever is in his head. Porter was the least snuggly little boy ever. I like to say often (so you've probably heard it before) that from the time he learned to hold his head up he never put it back down on my shoulder. He's slowly becoming a little more affectionate and I love it. OH he makes my heart just burst with love. He was sick for the last week with croup and fortunately he had a really mild case. We never had a bad night and he only had one day where I genuinely thought about taking him to the hospital but he read my mind and kicked his lungs into gear and did fine. Because he was so sickly he wasn't in the mood to be his crazy self and just wanted to watch a movie and snuggle with mom or watch dad play BaBall (basketball) on xbox and snuggle with dad. He LOVES the mickey mouse club and every morning we wake up and eat and then watch mickey figure out puzzles while he either stands in the middle of the room, thumb in mouth staring at the tv. or he snuggles right up to me and lets me scratch his scalp and feel those wonderful round cheeks and take a few big breaths so I can take in that wonderful unique scent he has. 

Yesterday he did the funniest and cutest thing so far. he  makes a smacking kissing sound around the house, but when he kisses he still makes the muuuuah sound. He switched that up yesterday when he came up to my face and quickly kissed me as many times as he could in a short space of time like a bunch of pecks really fast. He was basically making out with me. Smushing his face into mine for longer than he ever has before giving me so many kisses. I was giggling and broke apart from him and he looked at me, laughed, raised his sweet chubby fingers to my cheeks and held my face still as he could and did it again. smack,smack,smack,smack,smack,smack muuuuuuaaaah. I was laughing so hard and trying to kiss him back and take in the opportunity to kiss my little, soft, round faced, blue eyed, little boy. 

Anyway, back to the blog, I loved the way she worded her excitement that she gets "another soul to marvel over". I have never found a sentence more true. These aren't just children. They are hard, funny, frustrating, hillarious, tiring, adorable, thoughtful, true, givers, takers, just wonderful little experiences. I wonder if he knows just how much I marvel over his reactions, the way he graciously goes out of his way to make me smile, how quickly he learns, the way he leans his head over to the side of his chair when he's tired, the way he bashfully gives me the sweetest smile while raising his shoulders almost to cover his face (can you think of the look? it's flirty and bashful at the same time) the way he leans over me and lays his head on my chest for a few seconds to show he cares, the way he checks with me when he is scared to do something, the way he looks to see if i'm not looking if he's going to do something naughty aes vb bgg the WAy he insists with messing with the computer if I'm on it ( I left some of his work for you if you couldn't tell) the way he kicks his foot up when he dances because of the hot dog dance. I kinda love the crazy scrunched up face he makes for pictures..... I love this little soul. when he learns to stop hitting he's going to make an awesome big brother... when I give him the chance to be one :)

Happy Sunday!

Reminiscing

In a week or so my little boy turns 18 months old. ( 1.5 years.) I had the wonderful opportunity to go and see one of my very closest friends in the hospital 2 days ago the day after she had her sweet baby boy. He was a healthy 9lbs 4 oz. which is one pound one ounce heavier than porter was. As I cuddled that sweet miracle I fell instantly madly in love with him and my heart broke from holding so much excitement and joy for Jelli. I eventually handed Liam back to his mom and watched her coddle her hours old child. I had the strangest flashback sitting in that room to days that seem so far away yet so recent. The birth of my own sweet boy. I honestly hadn't thought about his birth or my hospital stay much at all until this point. 

I remember knowing I was getting an epidural the first time I gave birth for sure. So the second I couldn't speak through them I asked for a cure. I remember having the night to sleep but never using one minute of my painless labor for rest because I was far too excited to meet my son. I recall having to push an 8 pound baby out of my tiny hips (which are now more like normal hips) and having the pressure of it all freak me out. I remember asking one question to try and distract me from the sensation of my bones moving apart to allow the passage of a human being and not having my husband or the doctor or the nurses tell me what color the hair they were telling me about was. I can see them lifting him onto my stomach and handing me a towel telling me to clean him off and being surprised   shocked at how he looked exactly like my baby pictures. My first though literally was " he looks like a sam not a porter". I remember that after a few minutes they took him to the bed at my feet to check him out and being so distraught that he was crying and drew wouldn't talk to him to comfort him because I KNEW that if he would start talking porter would know who his daddy was. Nursing was much easier than I expected. I got so lucky to have a baby who just knew how to latch. I remember being able to stand pretty well right away regardless of them trying to take all my weight. Sitting in a wheelchair and being handed this tiny fragile person and being terrified they would stop short while pushing me and he would fly out of my arms and break. My hairy little boy who cried during his first bath but was 100% soothed by warm running water on his skull. The fact that he was awake for 4 straight hours after his birth, so curious of the world and what was in it. He looked around and even when we laid him down in his little plastic bed he would not stop gazing at the room. Finally draping a blanket over the side of the plastic bed so he couldn't see there was a world out there to examine and having it take 30 seconds for him to fall asleep once we made that move. I remember panicking when he choked on his mucus for the first time. Bawling when he did it 4 more times and finally begging the nurses to take him for the night so I could stop worrying that he'd die if I slept only to have nightmares that the nurses wouldn't catch it either. I remember thinking about going home, and feeling my chest tighten up. Never feeling this degree of worry before. I remember getting out of my hospital bed, climbing on to drew's couch, tucking my knees up to my chin and covering myself with a blanket because I needed to NOT have a panic attack. I remember driving home with him for the first time, and i remember turning over and seeing my 4 day old baby blue and shaking because he could not breathe. I also remember the way he looked at me. The way he fell asleep at my breast. How soft his hair was and the way it curled when it got wet. I remember having a baby with brunette hair on his head, arms, back and those awesome sideburns. I remember my mom staying with us and taking care of me and making me eat even when she was going through a rough time herself. 

I know this is major long but I don't know how long I'll remember those first few days and I've never actually sat down and thought about the details. Being a mother is the hardest and best thing in the world. I love how he tears the house apart, pulls couch cushions off and spreads food into every corner and then turns to me and wraps his arms around my shoulder and neck making me forgive everything he had just done. I just can't believe that He went from this. 

to this. 

Chchchchchchanges!

Porter is changing every single day. He learns new words and does new things.

Just in the last week. Porter has MASTERED Mowe (more) and Chee (cheese) and Baw (Ball) He said Sains (Thanks) once last week after I gave him his milk. This kid is amazing! He does the funniest thing though, He takes my ipod, turns it around, holds it out from his face, scrunches his face up and says Chee!

aka. he takes a picture of himself. He's also wicked into basketball. If you're in the back of the house and he hears the word basketball he'll book it to the living room pick up a ball and dunk it in a little nerf basketball hoop we have. (We know what he's getting for easter can you guess?) He loves to go up to people and wrap his arms around them to give the best bear hugs and he'll just run up to me and kiss me all the time. He also will blow ANYONE  a kiss.

He has this boisterous almost forced laugh because he thinks something is funny and he wants YOU to think it's funny too. 

Seriously I wish each of you could come and spend a day with this kid because he's seriously the happiest cheesiest easygoing kid you will ever meet! 

here's a tidbit of awesome.

I'll be taking a lot more videos because pictures just don't do this personality justice.

Bliss

Today, well just now I had a pure moment of heaven.
I had to wake porter up from his nap so he could eat dinner and go to bed at 9 or 10 hence sleep in until one of those times in the morning.
Now in order for you to grasp this moment of mine I have to tell you who he really is.
Porter sits straight up at the sound of his door opening whether he is awake or not. Porter when asked to cuddle will lean his head down on your shoulder for....mmmm.... 2.5 seconds (just enough time for you to start to sigh but not enough for you to finish it.) he also won't really sit and play with just you and if he does it almost always ends up in him smacking me or digging his fingernails into my gums or something...

so today. I open his door and see this rambunctious toddler lift his head off his bed, turn it to the other side and lay it back down. I gently walk up to his crib, lay my hand on his back with his eyes all a flutter and rub it with my thumb. He whimpers enough for me to pick him up but is clearly not ready for bright lights and dinner time. I take my little boy and lay down on the recliner in his room setting him on my chest. he wiggles down to the side of me and finds this little crevice along my ribcage where he fits perfectly and just sucks his thumb and holds my hand. After a few minutes of this bliss he wakes up a little more and climbs up straddling me and looking deep into my eyes with that melt your heart smile. I fall into those chubby cheeks and then I tell him softly how much I love him. Somehow that smile gets even wider as he reaches out those baby fat hands (you know the ones with the fingers bulging around the knuckles that are just dimples) and he softly and gently strokes my face. He holds them there just rubbing these amazing soft hands across my cheeks until he leans in hands still on cheeks and plants a 5 second smooch right on my lips, sound effects and everything. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmuaaaahhhh!
I smile and thank him so enthusiasticly but before I finish he again pulls my face towards his and kisses me. I do the same so I'm sure we looked absurd hands on cheeks planting kisses every chance we get. He then keeps my face in his palms and just starts telling me about the magical world he sees (if only I could understand) in words that seem to be very real to him in fact, why aren't they words? He states things matter of factly and even takes one hand off my face to shake his pointer finger at me to prove a point.
I can't remember the last time I was THAT happy. just caught up in the moment with my 17 month old ( why is he getting so old?) super content to stay there forever. until he opened and closed a fist saying "meeehh" which means he wanted milk.
I'm so lucky.

Sad Posts are Never Fun Posts

People get uncomfortable when people put negative things online. Like if they're frustrated, sad or just downright low. It's like we have to only put happy things  up or we're whiny or weak or whatever.
except I don't have more than maybe 2 friends I physically see sooo now I'm down and need a pep talk and I want to turn to you cyber friends.

I don't even know what's wrong. I just feel down. Like I'm stuck in a rut with life. Like marriage and parenthood and general happiness. My marriage is fine I won't put drew down (even if he ever deserved it, which he doesn't) but sometimes I feel like I'm just living with a roommate. I feel like I can't say positive things. like it'll kill me or something, but my outlook is not positive so saying positive things wouldn't be in character. Parenting is seriously hard now. Porter is amazing with his pincer fingers, kissing when he's asked to kiss, voices when he's playing, the way he puts anything and everything up to his ear and starts jabbering, the way he started to say bye bye today (yey) the way he actually cuddles sometimes if there's tv on or we sit out on the porch swing watching the storm. But then he grabs some giant hard toy, walks up to me and deliberately puts all his weight behind it and hits me in the face. I've even bruised a few times. I don't know what to do. sometimes I yell, loudly out of the sheer shock of it I don't even think, I just yell. then he cries and lays his head on my chest as if to apologize and let me apologize at the same time. but I can't take hitting much longer. I really try to sit him on my lap and talk in a nice voice and explain why it's mean and bad to hit and it hurts me and hurts my feelings but he still doesn't stop.

I think all of this also is amplified by the overall losery feeling I've been feeling about myself. I'm having trouble making myself happy and it's seriously infecting every aspect of my life. I used to be an awesome (well... when I actually got around to it) cleaner and lately when I actually get up and clean, I can't get up enough energy to actually overachieve at it. I clean because one, the house looks awesome which makes me feel better, and two it makes drew happy and when drew's happy it makes me happy. so why on earth am I not trying?

I'm packing tomorrow to leave my husband and son (for the first time) for a weekend to travel to see one of my best friends go through the temple and get married. I'm so hoping that it's enough time out of the house, away from stress, and with normal sized humans who don't smack me in the face to jump start my system and get me back to normal cause I HATE this feeling.

I hate not feeling like myself. and in return feeling like I'm bringing my marriage down, and not being a good mother. I swear if I didn't know better I'd think I had the baby blues.

any advice?

also any prayers that drew doesn't kill porter while I'm gone all weekend would be nice. I'm a little worried he'll forget to change his diaper all day or feed him or get him out of bed when he cries :) Drew's had it easy cause I do it all ha ha ha

sorry that you had to read a sad no fun post. I just really needed to get that off my chest.

Poor Porter

We had Port's One year check up this week
it was horrible and hillarious.
while waiting in that room for the people to come in
he seriously was standing in the middle of the room just turning in circles.
then running to one side
then squeeling to the other side.
I thought bouncing off the walls was just a funny way of saying it
until he started doing it
holy cow
then the nurse came in and did a finger prick!
they don't take just a little blood from that they do the whole squeeze it until it fills up a tube and then some other dohicky while this little baby is crying.
torture. I can take the shots but seriously I hate finger pricks!
then they weighed and measured him
:)
21 lbs and 30.5 inches
that's 25% and a whopping 75% for height
then he threw up (I'm sure it's from the trauma of the finger prick)
then the doctor came in and checked then he got his shots, cried for a minute and we were done.
no other side effects
UNTIL

he woke up at who knows what hour screaming
I picked him up and rocked him which never works but he was so tired that he started to fall asleep in my arms. I was in heaven.
until.
he started twitching and crying like pain crying again.
i freaked and screamed for drew who came in and we checked for spider bites because porter does NOT twitch like that...
there were no bites but he couldn't straighten his leg without pain so I tried something drastic for us
I took him into our bed.
now drew once a month ago got achey for some porter snuggles so he picked him out of bed at 2 in the morning and brought him into bed with us. Porter woke up instantly and started playing. so much that we put him in his bed and he fell right back asleep.
so I had little hope this would work but my mama instinct told me to take  him there.
lo and behold he cuddled right up to us and fell asleep
until he woke up and whimpered in pain, reached his little hand out felt we were there and fell back asleep again.
I loved and hated it since we got no sleep and were so scared of smooshing him. but he cuddled. I love my baby cuddles.
around I'd say 5 he woke up decided he wasn't THAT tired and tried to stand up and play.
I took him to his bed and he slept in until 10a.m. (yup you heard me)
at which point he could stand and walk without  any pain.

weird? I think so.
but that poor baby had a horrible night. I love seeing a glimpse of that little tiny thing I once knew :)

Spit it out!

I just looked down at porter on the floor playing with.. well junk.
(Drew cleaned out the car but ended up making the house a MESS)
porter was holding a handful of things
bubbles pen pencil and 2 toys.
He was also chewing.
I yell "what are you eating!"
jump down there squish his cheeks together in an effort to open his mouth while avoiding the teeth
he keeps those lips clamped shut
"spit it out"
looks at me with the eyebrows up as if to say "what did I do? I don't have anything"
"spit it out port"
pop
he shoves the pencil's eraser out into my hand.
I LOVE that he's starting to obey/understand me :)
it makes me purely gleeful

oh also I'll be doing a big of blog puke over the next day or so  since I've not blogged about all the wonderful pictures I have in my newly found camera.

He's getting too big you guys...
and yes. he is wearing an adorable shirt and tevas and no pants. he's still cute :) and also do you like his hair? it was cut last night :)

Oreoooo

Why yes one is blurry but his expression is so cute it goes up too.

today we sat down and ate an oreo each. 

well no I ate more than one but that's besides the point

I held up the camera and he caught a sight of me with an oreo in my mouth and laughed

Then every time I held up the camera he smiled a big old smile just for it

it's wonderful.

don't you just melt for that squinty eyed 6 toothed messy oreo smile?

also we went on vacation last week. I'll tell you about that when I've had a chance to settle after all that togetherness

really truly honestly

I was thinking the other day about babies. people around me are getting prego and it makes me doubt what I know is true at moments; that no way can I do the whole second baby thing yet I'm so loving my lover boy all on his own. I've been thinking lots about next time and how I seriously am going to hire a doula (basically a cheerleader and birth coach that just focuses on helping you focus while the doc/midwife does the delivering) and do it without pain meds. It's going to be hard but honestly I know I can do it. I feel like I take the easy way out a lot of times in life and I want to be able to say I did at least 1 really hard accomplishment thing. 

anyways. 

I feel like I have a pretty good intuition about things in my life.

Like seriously, when I lose something, if I sit and genuinely think about it I'll know whether I'll find them again or not. It's this awesome calm feeling. 

and when i was prego and pre gender with my porter baby

I had names picked out for both boy and girl. the girl name was like .... eh. ok we have it. but I KNEW that my boy name just wasn't HIS name. I fretted and made lists and visited dozens of web sites of names trying to find THE name. when drew said "porter" I knew that instant. it was like this warm fuzzy calm filled every inch of my fingertips down to my toes. I knew.

Just like I  KNOW that another name I have is supposed to be our next baby's name. when we get around to that whole procreation thing again.

see though I was thinking the other day. about the end result of my family. I want 5 kids you see.

drew wants 3. I always said I'd get him to have 4 and then he'll know that the fifth was supposed to come. 

but seriously as I was pondering I just knew something. (just watch I'll be crazy wrong)

I am going to have 3 boys and then the last one MIGHT be a girl. and I'm pretty sure it will be.

but I won't have five. Four is the magic number. 

but I know the next boys name. I know it. 

the only problem is that drew doesn't like it. 

yet.

I'll remedy that situation though haha

because I know. 

my thoughts on nursing and choking...

I really miss nursing... 

I read a bunch of posts and stuff about it and I really miss it.

actually offered porter the breast the other day 

(the one that doesn't exist anymore yes and yes it's weird because he wouldn't get anything .. maybe a drop)

do you know what he did??

he bit me

no not like nibble.

HE BIT ME!

hard

and caused blood to come out..

and if you get hurt there... it hurts BAD.

what did he do after/while he was biting me?

giggle.

my son has lost his marbles.

wait.. no that's me.

oh and today.

he choked like full on gag because I can't take in any air choke.

why does my baby like to choke?

(yes yes it has been a whole 10 months since he's actually choked but still.. that's too often)

so I dropped what I was doing (dishes. be proud)

yanked him out of his high chair

flipped him almost upsidedown and proceeded to do the baby heimlich. 

(everything keeps telling me I'm spelling it wrong... I think it's right)

first he coughed, then he vomited,

then he inhaled. 

(then finally I did too) 

then he actually held still in my arms and I held him close appreciating the life he still has in him.

ugh. 

I hate thinking about losing him. 

I feel like I lose a bit of myself whenever the though crosses my mind.

and is it creepy/ premonitiony that I think about it super often?

I once had a primary teacher who said she used to think all the time about "what if (daughter) suffocates in a plastic bag"?

then.

the horrible thing actually happened.

I would cease to exist. 

and yet I think all the time that I might lose him early.

blah I"m all morbid now.

cheer me up?

Ps. my boob is now fine thank you

flat. but fine.

(I totally should have just pumped even after he stopped taking breast milk just so I could keep the boobs...)

Looking back

I was able to see my little boy for the first time in January of 2010. '

I teared up just looking at my little one kicking and squirming around already

I had the thought go across my mind wondering if I would get a girl or a boy

wondering about what the future held

what it would be like to hold that wonderful person in my arms for the first time

I look back now and think, how crazy

how crazy is it that it was even a possiblility in my head that he could have been a girl? 

because it's so obviously perfect for me to have my little boy, and he is a boy through and through. 

how crazy that I was only thinking of the first time I got to hold him and not how I get to hold him every day after that.

How crazy that I didn't know his personality

how crazy that I didn't know he'd have BLUE eyes

how crazy that I didn't know what it was like to hold my own flesh and blood

how crazy that I didn't know (still don't) how powerfully I can love a being

how crazy that the little wiggling thing on that picture, IS my sweet, giggly, smiley, independent, tough, exploring, active mama's boy. He just hadn't grown up yet. 

The craziest thing at all:

to think that there was ever a time before 

HIM

Sick Day(s)

Porter is having his first stomach bug. 

I wish he would PLEASE get better!

Yesterday I said "ok, this sucks for both of us but it's just a stomach flu it only lasts a day".

Ha. yeah right. 

This morning I said to Drewface " If he's still sick today then I'm going to take him to the doctor just to make sure everything is ok". thinking that things were over. 

Ha. yeah right. 

He's still sick. 

He's kind of wetting diapers and he's had a wonderful new addition to the list of symptoms. 

Diarrhea.

The WORST part is that we ran out of normal Diapers and we don't shop on sunday unless we have to, soooo

We're using his SUPER expensive special occasion huggies Jean Diapers...

I know I'm crazy. 

Seriously though I'm not going to buy them even though they're SOOOOO cute,

and my grandma got us a box so we are trying to use them sparingly.

Also, I'm tired of washing his sheets. 

and I decided to heck with my hygiene, I'm staying in the same pair of Penquin Pj's and old T-shirt because I'm SICK of changing and I'd rather smell like puke than change one more time.

I'm not even this gross when I am sick...

Remember that Babysitter I told you about? 

I swear he MUST have caught it from one of her kids. they go to school which is where heaven's only knows HOW  many germs he was exposed to through that...

blah. 

I'm NOT one of those moms... I'm not. 

hey look at the bright side 

I have cute pictures from this week!

 trying to get used to grass

 I just have to say how HARD it is to fold laundry with port! ha ha he comes and sits on the clothes!

 Those big blue eyes you could swim in!

 he loves his daddy

 drinking the poweraide I gave him today (sugarless... don't judge)

 isn't he getting so handsome!

and there is my favorite thing so far, his jean diaper and robe

Mommy's Naptime

So a while back I had this tiny cute little baby who loved his mommy. He loved to snuggle and sleep on his mommy. After a few months this little boy became more and more curious about the world around him and while he was an amazing sleeper and never complained when it was bedtime, he would only fall asleep by himself with nothing but his blankie to cuddle. It broke his mommy's heart but she knew he loved her. 

yes. That is my story. 

It is a sad one, but it's true. Both drew and I gasp out loud and stop whoever is talking or whatever is going on in the room to call attention to the fact that our son has put his head on our shoulder if it ever does happen. (which for the most part.. it doesn't. and if it does, it only lasts a grand total of five seconds)

Last week drew and I had to get a babysitter while we ran into town to go to an appointment. We left him with a sweet mom in our church who has some kids of her own who've I've watched so she more or less owed me. 

When drew and I got back she said he hadn't taken a nap but he was happy so we were happy. 

We ran to the store to grab a few things and drove home.

As we were driving into the garage, porter fell asleep and we said "poor thing he JUST fell asleep". Porter opened his eyes as I took the carseat out of the car, and then something happened, they drooped and shut again. 

Ok I know you think I'm crazy to think this is weird, but let me explain something. Porter will fall asleep when instructed to, but given the choice, let's just say his eyes are open if there is something to be seen. 

So I thought a brilliant thought aloud to Drew. "Do you think he'll take a nap ON me if he's THAT tired?" 

"Sure, why not try?" came back my supportive husband.

I gently unlatched him from the seat and lifted him up (he was soooooooooo tired! he barely woke up) and laid him on my chest as I leaned back on the couch. Sure enough he snuggled RIGHT into my chest and snoozed away!!! I was in HEAVEN! 

It was at this point in time that my heart swelled like the grinch hearing the who's singing away. 

The clouds parted and the angels sang.

I almost cried from just the pure bliss of it.

then I took some pictures.

Doesn't the pure glory and love of this picture make you think you could just die right now and be happy?

Moment

I just had a total moment with porter. I was laying on the floor with him on his stomach, there was music in the background. He had been trying to crawl or more scoot for a while and he stopped, put his head at a 90 degree angle to the floor and just yawned. All off a sudden i realized how big he's gotten and how every time he goes down for the night it's another day gone and one day closer to the day he leaves home to make his own. I was flooded with the overwhelming love of a mother and her baby. My heart aches in just overwhelming love for my little human.... he is so amazing and so handsome and smiley as long as he has your undivided attention which I will be satisfied with how much I give him. Anyway i don't care if you care, I just thought it was a moment to remember.

Day 28 - A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?

This was taken in February of 2010

I was barely Pregnant with baby Porter

Moving wasn't even on my mind

I still fit in my expensive skinny Jeans from Hollister

I was still working full time

and I was still sleeping in as much as I wanted to. ...

That's a HUGE difference to me. Now I have different responsibilities, I have a house(even if we do rent), I have my baby and I do NOT fit in any of my old pants.

to everyone else that probably seems like hardly a change, but it's a whole different world. I feel like then only existed in a dream forever ago.

4 months old

Seriously can you believe it? I mean on one hand It feels like there was never a time before him, but on the other hand I can't believe how big (kind of) he is! Well he's been teething as anyone with facebook knows. He's got a tiny bit of his bottom right tooth broken through and I can feel the rest of it under there so one of these days we'll have a full one out, which could be bad if he decides to be mean to me while eating. Well we went to the doctor on monday to weigh him, talk to him about some problems Porter has been having and to get his shots. First thing they do was weigh him and since he weighed 10.74 lbs last time i was expecting somewhere in the 13lb range. As the nurse told me the numbers my heart dropped. He weighed 11.56 lbs. Yeah... after 2 months he hadn't even gained a full pound. See I have had some people say "my baby was the third percentile the whole time and it wasn't that bad." The reason it is bad for him to be so small is because he dropped from the 32nd percentile to the 3rd in two months. Soooo. We are to start him on cereal AFTER he's eaten so he might get extra calories and I've been trying to do different tricks to increase my milk supply because we have also noticed that he likes to eat much more often in the last month or so, so we are thinking he wasn't getting enough of that either. In a month we have been instructed to bring him back in for a weigh in and if he hasn't gained enough, then "we are going to have to sit down and have a more serious conversation and look at supplementing"  I love my doctor for that reason. He says "ok there's a problem, but I don't want you to stop breastfeeding" he really tries to find different ways to help before taking the easy way out. So Tuesday we started him on rice cereal and he loves it now after the third day! the biggest problem is keeping his hands away from the spoon! If it were the handle I wouldn't have a problem, but he keeps flipping the food off his spoon so it ends up on his eye or forehead and hand instead of his mouth. but he finished off the amount I gave him today so that's awesome! I think on saturday I'm going to try and give him actual food!! so any say on what I should start him off with? I'm thinking banana :) I wish they had mashed oranges though! he's having a fun time in his bath FINALLY because forever there he just cried, now we take our time and just play around in the water. it's so awesome! I love this little guy! he's just so fun and so sweet and I promise I should just take a tour of all the hospitals in the world because his giggle could cure any disease! ahh I just melt! It's hilarious because he may giggle if you tickle or play with him, but the second I cry He just full blown starts laughing at me which makes my crying into  tears of laughter. He's such a blessing and I'm so glad I have him!!!

Yelling

Porter has officially found his voice. He sits there happy as can be, just yelling. Not crying, no he doesn't do that very often, he just likes to yell. It's all fine and dandy and sometimes hillarious, for the first 3 minutes. Drew and I are thinking about taking turns checking into the insane asylum... jk. but seriously this kid is hillarious and frustrating adorable and indisputably annoying. Basically I'm a good mom, but like everyone else in the world (besides truly blessed people) I get angry. Now I hate getting mad at porter but sometimes I just can't take the yelling. Like today, he was yelling and yelling, I'd put the binky in his mouth and he'd yell with it in, and then spit it out and yell louder. He ju
st loves to hear the sound of it. I finally loose it. I turn to him, prepared to yell about as loudly as he'd been yelling to "beeeee quieeettttt PLEASE!" (i know bad mom he's just a baby, but really if I can handle porter I can't handle drew complaining about porter so I finally lose it at port because he's what's making drew so crabby) I sit up (he'd been in his swing because after a while we can't stand to just hold a yelling baby so we hope the swing will do the trick) so I sit up and get ready to yell at him. AS SOON as he makes eye contact with me he stops me dead in my tracks because he flipping cracks the biggest smile at me. I say in a very serious tone " stop smiling, you will not learn that you can get away with things just because you smile" he gives me a curious look, then smiles again.
I love this kid. I really do. I don't like him all the time and I"lll admit it, sometimes i really want to just give him back for a few years until I feel like I can handle it, but then i'll never get him back.
take it as it comes right? anyways. 2 minutes after the smiley boy, he yells again. But we eventually got him to sleep.
either way. he needs to get bored of the sound of his voice yelling, and just coo. cause that's wayyy better for my sanity.

Poop

I Know everyone says it "isn't it funny how you become a mom and all of a sudden your life becomes about how often they poop" well little port here had an issue as of this morning he'd gone once in 3 days and I knew either all crap was going to break loose (litterally) or he was more sick than I thought he was. See we have a cold and mine is worse than his thank heavens and I thank breast feeding for keeping him reasonably healthy. But he just wasn't pooping. He did once while my mom was watching him (it was durring the UofU/TCU game so it was probably him craping his pants at how badly the U did...) and then never did it for me. By this morning I finally told drew that if by today he hadn't pooped I would call the doctor. Finally He Pooped a little bit, so I changed it. He then pooped a little more, and Drew changed that (gagging of course), He then pooped a tiny tiny bit and I changed it. He was then done and I was satisfied because not only had he emptied himself, but we had done it in stages to prevent any leakage.
A few hours later, I started smelling something, Undid his little pants suit and lifted it up with each leg I undid. the left side (his right) was clean and I was pleased that once again we'd prevented any disasters... but I had spoke too soon... all down the right side of his leg just gushing out was poop. lots and lots of poop. He's had blow outs before, but man was this one for the Porter record books. Not only was it just out of his diaper but any pressure or movement from his leg sent more gushing out the side, and he had already stopped pooping. I undid it, found it to have completely saturated his little boy parts as well as his bum and back. I should have taken a picture dang it but I really doubt anyone would want to see that besides me.
Anywhoo... I will not be calling the doctor (not that they would have done anything but tell me to wait a few more days so I really didn't want to call them) because my son is all cleaned out. Hopefully....

sigh... :)

I love my little one
1. because he knows the difference between night and day

yep you read that right my sweet little boy knows that at night you wake up, mom will feed you, then after you're done eating you fall asleep and sleep for 4 more hours. (sometimes 3 if you fall asleep too soon while you're eating and won't wake back up to finish)
he's amazing.

2. because he's a buff man
really seriously at 11 days old he rolled over for the second time in his life. They're not supposed to do that until i don't know like 2 months or something. The first time I said ha ha he rolled over but it was totally an accident because i set him on his stomach, he kicked with those crazy legs and he flipped over.
BUT
then he was doing tummy time, lifting his head up pretty well, and then he twisted his shoulders, then his hips, and slowly started turning to his side. he then reached his side, decided to go the rest of the way and bam was on his back.
again.. he's amazing

3. He plays his own soundtrack in the morning.
every morning around nine or ten he starts stirring in bed, he doesn't wake up, just grunts and yawns and whines like he's trying to wake up. he makes his little loud noises for 5 minute periods, falls back asleep for ten minutes, and then repeats the cycle. I eventually get him up because I can't stand going back and forth between being able to play with him or getting more sleep.

4. he sleeps the best in our arms
it's not super ideal and he does sleep in his own bed every night without a problem, and he even sleeps in his crib for naps during the day, but the way he loves being cuddled by his mommy or daddy just melts my heart. we love it because we get to cuddle him and then for the most part if he's actually out we are able to set him down to sleep the rest of his nap when we have something else to do.

5. He KNOWS his mom.
It's the most overwhelmingly lovely feeling to have someone be holding him and playing with him and then he catches the blurry sight of me sitting next to him ( he can't see more than a foot away from his face clearly) and he refuses to look at anything else. He catches my eye and will just look deep into them as if he's just sending mass amounts of love my way.
with most babies we say ok you're crying go to mom because she had you so she gets the job of calming you down, well with your own baby you actually realize that it's not that it's the mom's job to calm him down, it's that being with mom is what calms them down. He can be whining up a storm (he really doesn't cry) and the second he hits my arms and smells my scent and hears my voice and heartbeat... he just calms down.It's a very humbling and powerful feeling.

I love my little man :)