I really miss nursing...
I read a bunch of posts and stuff about it and I really miss it.
actually offered porter the breast the other day
(the one that doesn't exist anymore yes and yes it's weird because he wouldn't get anything .. maybe a drop)
do you know what he did??
he bit me
no not like nibble.
HE BIT ME!
hard
and caused blood to come out..
and if you get hurt there... it hurts BAD.
what did he do after/while he was biting me?
giggle.
my son has lost his marbles.
wait.. no that's me.
oh and today.
he choked like full on gag because I can't take in any air choke.
why does my baby like to choke?
(yes yes it has been a whole 10 months since he's actually choked but still.. that's too often)
so I dropped what I was doing (dishes. be proud)
yanked him out of his high chair
flipped him almost upsidedown and proceeded to do the baby heimlich.
(everything keeps telling me I'm spelling it wrong... I think it's right)
first he coughed, then he vomited,
then he inhaled.
(then finally I did too)
then he actually held still in my arms and I held him close appreciating the life he still has in him.
ugh.
I hate thinking about losing him.
I feel like I lose a bit of myself whenever the though crosses my mind.
and is it creepy/ premonitiony that I think about it super often?
I once had a primary teacher who said she used to think all the time about "what if (daughter) suffocates in a plastic bag"?
then.
the horrible thing actually happened.
I would cease to exist.
and yet I think all the time that I might lose him early.
blah I"m all morbid now.
cheer me up?
Ps. my boob is now fine thank you
flat. but fine.
(I totally should have just pumped even after he stopped taking breast milk just so I could keep the boobs...)
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