Taboo

I feel like I shouldn't say anything. Like now that I'm actually letting myself think about the possibility of me maybe wanting another baby. before It was easy to talk about because I knew no way in hecka would I be able to even think about another one and now... ugh I've wanted one for a long time but I knew it wasn't right. I've been in love with newborns for my whole life, I was so excited to get my own and i almost hate that he's gotten so old but I love it at the same time, but here I am, thinking about thinking about (i meant to put it twice it's not a typo) wanting to remove this iud and get the show on the road. I actually called my doctor to make an appointment a few weeks ago thinking I'd make one in like 4 months cause it takes that long anyway right? The receptionist told me my doctor is booked up until OCTOBER (seriously) but if I want to schedule something whenever then to call back and the random little not doctors but can still do doctorly things are usually available a week in advance so whenever I'm ready. which I'm not. but I am. ugh. It took me a good 6 months to get pregnant with porter. I know many of my close friends look at that and laugh, but six months is hard. I'm a planner. I like to have a date for everything. I like to have all the details hammered out long before. I like to be over prepared. When I got ready for anything a date or a fun night with friends I was ALWAYS ready over an hour before I was supposed to leave and then I sit on the couch waiting calmly because I'm all ready and not rushed. Just yesterday I was ready for porter's doctor appointment 1.4 hours early. When I was pregnant with porter I Had the nursery ready months early and sitting there gathering dust. I don't like to forget things and I don't like being late or rushed. But pregnancy... I have this idea of what month would be ideal for me to get the next baby. I don't want it the month before and I don't want it the month after. I want it that specific month. but how likely is that? I wanted porter in May. so I decided it'd take 2 tries to get the baby so I went off birth control the end of june. thinking the two months there was no way, and then that third time I'd have my may baby. NOPE june, july, august, september, october, november... No baby. FINALLY in december I got that blessed positive and i was just so excited that I could get pregnant at all that I took august gladly (which if I can help it will never do again) . But can I handle another one? will I be able to show more than just porter how much I love them? will I be able to give port the love and care and time he needs one on one. I feel like because I'm actually within six months of being contraceptive free everyone is going to watch me now and be on the lookout and I'll have this overwhelming sense of pressure to do it because everyone is expecting it. what if I chicken out? what if my prayers change and i'm told it's not time yet. what if I just flat out can't get pregnant for ages. I also want to keep it quiet at first this next time. I know too many people who do get that wonderful blessing only to lose their child when they're almost at that 12 week mark. I don't want to have that happen to me. No one does and at the same time next time I want to just keep it to myself for a while. I feel so weird about how I went about it with porter. I  acted like I deserved to be the center of attention because I was doing something that we're made to do. I'm not some sacred vessel I'm just a mom. I don't have to be the center of attention just because I'm with child. I don't know. hormones do crazy things to you. I just feel like I respect the mom's who are like ya i'm pregnant oh did I forget to say? I just didn't think it was that big of a deal because I still do laundry and run errands and my life goes on as normal because I am who I am and a baby only adds to that not takes away. I don't know. I'm getting ranty... and NO I'm not talking about anyone in general. well.. maybe tori spelling who constantly says "because I"m pregnant blah blah" I think I made myself shrink a little and became a steriotypical pregnant woman and because of that kind of lost myself for a while and went through this huge identity crisis after porter was born and it was all my fault.

anyway. if you made any sense of that.... congrats. you understand me when I spill my thoughts as they come out. I'm not even going to proof it.... hope I don't sound like a crazy person.