I feel like just typing...

I want to get my thoughts out there, and i may or may not post this depending on how crazy it makes me sound or whatever. 

First off i have pandora on my phone and I put it on taylor swift which is actually really good but I find myself loving her more and more. That was the kind of girl i was growing up, a hopeless romantic. I mean I know everyone has their jokes about how much of a player i was or how i just had boy after boy but it's really all because I was just always looking for someone to love. I mean i loved being loved and cuddled and adored, which many people say  that if you need someone to make yourself feel better than you don't love yourself. I love myself a lot, maybe not as much as I should but what teenage girl really does love herself all the way? We don't know who we are at that age. So I searched, i tried not to mourn breakups and rejections for too long because that was time i could be using to care about someone else. 

I really can relate to so many of her lyrics though... I mean when i fell for someone new, i let myself fall hard. I've only had one true heartbreak though which I think really is ok. I mean it was important for my life and who I am to have been in love as much as I was, and I don't think I could really appreciate the good in life if I hadn't experienced such an ultimate low. Man though, it makes the lyrics a little more accurate (except in my case it was 17 not 15) when you're 15 and someone tell you they love you, you're going to believe them, but of course i believed him because, well as far as our teenage brains knew, we really wholeheartedly meant it. the point of me bringing up past sad feelings is because like I said, sometimes you have to fully experience deep despair to be able to appreciate the experiences that bring you higher than the space shuttle will ever be able to fly. 

I am no longer the girl who just chases after whoever, in fact I feel like i have in a lot of ways left who I used to be completely behind, and as I look back I feel so much gratitude to my wonderful husband who didn't change me, but brought to my attention when my actions hurt him, and didn't leave, but stayed around as i changed myself. 

Now I look around me and want to completely break down into uncontrollable sobbing, all from how uncontrollably blessed I am, and how much I really don't believe that I deserve to be this happy.

I sit in my grandfather's recliner in the corner of a beautifully decorated nursery with my shirt pulled over my stomach to expose the stretched round belly I now wear. It is not the perfect little round ball I always thought you get, there are imperfections, there are times where one side is about 3 inches taller than the other. There are very often times where I watch as a tiny bump appears on one side, and glides around in no organized manor. Even when it is painful, I can't help but have a grin appear touching both edges of my face. My hand can't help but to meet the moving bump to try and express at least a part of  the incredible amount of love I have for him, and still have yet to meet him.

My good friends Janae and Stu had their wonderful daughter the other day and watching them just love her, not being able to hold her quite yet, and the way they loved each other with just a look, (I know I'm being stupid because I really don't like the twilight series all that much but this one line always stood out to me) it reminded me of how in the second book when bella said sam came home and the way he looked at his fiance was so full of love that it felt like she should turn away it was such a personal moment. I feel that way sometimes when looking at them because they love each other so much, especially going through such a scary time with their daughter. I hope in some way others sometimes feel that about me and drew, because it isn't uncomfortable, it's just wonderful.

As I think of my wonderful child that is growing day by day, I can't help but to fall more and more in love with the wonderful man I get to spend my life with. He loves this baby more than he lets on most of the time, but every once in a while I find us completely caught up in the most blissful moments. Wednesday for example, we were driving back from mendon where his parents live which if you don't know is a completely gorgeous green countryside. Drew reaches over, feels my stomach a little bit and lets out the biggest laugh. He starts telling our sweet child how he can feel his little bum and pushing and feeling his outline and every single time porter would push in retaliation, drew would let out the most fun bellowing laugh that I don't know if i've ever heard come out of his mouth before. The complete joy Drew was feeling and being able to watch this special moment for the two of them, it just made me completely lose myself in the moment as well and start laughing. 

I live for memories like that. 

Another wondeful thing that drew reminded me of was a few nights ago as well. We were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie. Drew was holding me tight, you know those times where they squeeze and don't let go and you can basically feel the love overflowing? It was one of those hugs. anyway, I put his hand on my stomach to let him love porter as well, and he said something that made my heart just explode from love. He turned to me and said "Sam , I love him so much, but right now I want to focus on you. He will be in our lives forever, but he will leave the house one day and neither you or I will ever leave. So right now, I'm focusing on the one I get to be with every day for the rest of eternity." 

I love my husband. I"m so glad I got to experience sadness growing up, I'm glad I went through hard times with family, with friends, with life, with relationships. Had I not had a hard life, I would never be able to grasp how insanely lucky I am and I would never be able to feel the tops of the highs I have in life. I would just be suspended halfway, not knowing how much more amazing I could feel.