So I've been reminiscing lately back to my school days. I've mostly been pondering about my friendships. In jr. High I went to the same school as my cousin who is only 5 days older. I was a.... dependent personality and she is very independent. Therefore I leaned on her and while I made some of my own friends I mostly hung out with her group of friends. If people were getting together she was the one to call me and tell me. Now I'm not complaining because the friends I made independently of her are still some of the strongest friendships I have, and the ones I knew through her are people I still keep in touch with, but not really. It mainly lead me to the question.. were they actually MY friends, or did they just tolerate me?
Well fast forward to my Sophomore year. I went to the normal high school with all the same people from my jr high, and while I met people and made friends... my cousin had her own new group of friends and I stopped depending on her. When that happened I noticed I had nowhere to sit at lunch. I had no one to really count on, and while I know it was partially my fault for not really trying too hard, I seemed to find myself thinking that if I did try, I was forcing myself upon people who didn't really want me there. (I know I had such awesome confidence in myself)
During this year I started spending time with two boy (space) friends I knew through an orchestra program I had done in jr. high that went to another school. They were named Jeff and Joel. They were not only both at the same school but had the same group of friends. In that group of friends I started to "date" (as much as you can as a 15 year old girl) one other boy in the group named David. In this group there were girls and boys both of whom I clicked with. Joel or Jeff usually were the ones to invite me to the group's outings which were many and ultimately by the end of the school year I had put in my transfer papers to go to their high school.
David and I fizzled but it had no effect on the group's friendship with me so when I joined that school I felt like I had finally found myself. The boys eventually semi-separated from the girls and then when it was just the girls I was still invited to most things and I felt especially close to Carrie who always made sure to reach out to me. As time went on I knew they were "my group" but I didn't know really if I had fallen back into being someone they invited out of duty since they would occasionally forget me. I finally settled into accepting that fact when they went and did a friendship graduation photo shoot together that I didn't find out about until after the pictures were on facebook. By then I had gone through some relationship drama that had made me disappear into myself for my last year of school anyways so I just threw a bit of a pitty party and got on with my life that I was sure wouldn't include them since school was over so they had no more obligation to me.
Things happened after graduation as they always do, you sort of keep in touch with some but for the most part I fear I was right. A lot of girls I'm sure kind of cared, but didn't make much of an effort.
But I digress the point of this is NOT to have you feel sorry for me.
The other day I was feeling down, I had been for a while because since having porter boy I haven't had much of a social life. I started getting down on myself saying that I never really was essential to anyone in high school, and I mostly hadn't made a lasting impression on anyone except family. (it's been super gloomy weather here so I'm sure the lack of sunshine has MOUNDS to do with it.)
I scooped my little boy up in my arms, shed a tear or two while he miraculously sat still, and then walked barefoot out to our mailbox. With porter in one arm I opened it up and found the mail lady (who is seriously super lazy she's done things like this before) had stuffed a package into our mailbox that is too small for it instead of walking down our driveway to leave it on our porch. (I mean seriously I know the driveway is longer but ... seriously?) In trying to get it out I actually ripped it open only to find a stuffed lamb inside of it and thought "how cute someone sent a toy for porter". I looked at who it was from and the wonderful Carrie had sent us this package. Inside of it was a card:
you'll probably have to click on the picture to read the words....
I probably embarrassed her by putting this up
but Carrie you really were Inspired to send this to me.
I love this girl with my whole heart, she knows the hardships that I've been through and still loves me :)
and I'm so grateful to my friends who are always there
EXACTLY
when I need a bit of a pick me up:)
(sorry that was a lot of words...)
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