just now. it probably has something to do with the fact that when I woke up at 4 in the morning I looked at facebook to fall back asleep.... But I dreamed that I was at my 5 year high school reunion but we were going to school for it... like the whole walk in the hallways between classes and who do I sit by for lunch thing. The dream was a nightmare. Those who actually acknowledged my existence spoke down to me and regardless of whether they spoke to me or not I had all of those horrible high school feelings come up about whether I was of any worth, whether people liked me or not (of course in the dream they did not) and basically whether anyone cared if I were there.
First off! I had WONDERFUL friends in high school. I've had to deal with my issues because I was "forgotten" a lot. My heart still cringes when I see the pictures my girlfriends took at the end of high school to celebrate their friendship and forgot me. But the fact is. oh well. I know a lot of people liked me. I know that I helped some people, and I know that I made some life long friendships there.
Second off. WHO CARES if anyone thinks of me first? I've always wanted to be that person who was popular because of their understanding. My friend Carrie is one of those girls who seriously if you meet her you think of her as a BEST friend. Same with another amazing girl I know named Bonnie (and her little family is amazing even though that's super off subject). They treat people like they absolutely care and so everyone attaches to them and loves them. I try that but either I'm not good at it or if I'm honest with myself, I do get to some people and just don't know it. The secret really is, am I loving people like they deserve to be loved? I'm not wonderful at it, but I try. I try and let people know that if I'm not talking to them as often it's because I'm crazy busy and that it has nothing to do with my feelings for them. I try and listen and relate to people because It's nice to know that someone has gone through the same thing. Mainly.. I need to love myself more. I have this AMAZING friend. I lost touch with them because life just seemed to happen that way. I've been fighting to get that friendship back and I don't know why I'm fighting. It's almost like my brain is sabotaging me to think that there's no way someone so amazing could care as fiercely back about me. I think it's true though. I think that the friendship has always been there. regardless of the speaking.
Third off!! I have at least two amazing people in my life who think of me FIRST. They don't make a decision without asking me. They are real best friends in the sense that they Drive me Crazy and keep me sane all at the same time. They tell me they love me in their own way every single day.
My wonderful Drew and sweet Tiny Human Porter.. They love me more than the rest of the world could combined. So what else matters?
Ps. My reunion will be awesome as long as I'm not the only person who shows up.
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