I have lots of different news

That husband of mine.. oh geeze. 

Were you aware that I have to FORCE/ bribe (with .. ahem.. favors)  that man to read my blog? 

I swear. I was trying to explain to him in real out loud words how I know I want another baby but I have yet to re access that part of my brain that super yearns for it. He didn't understand. 

I groaned.

Told him to read my blog.

He groaned. 

bahaha we are so awesome and caring. 

at least he's sexy. and I.. well I used to be ;) 

Since he doesn't read though it gives me lots of leeway on what I can and can not write on this amazing blog. 

so. I have news. 

My wonderful dear husband called me from his work the other day and let me know that while he was spraying floors off in the cheese factory he was listening to talks from conference (does everyone know what that is?) and he came across THIS one from Boyd K. Packer (of the twelve apostles).

He said if I re-listened to it he'd tell me something. 

So I tried, and porter yelled and ran around.

he then was sent to bed without dinner (not really)

and I started it up. It's awesome. I heard it during conference, but I didn't really HEAR it, ya know? It meant a lot more now that there's a family member missing. 

I called my dear drewface back and he said that while he was listening he felt a strong confirmation that it was time to try. 

Problem is, I don't know anymore. I do but don't and it's so frustrating. I've never ever ever been in this place in my whole life. I remember being in the hospital, inhaling my newborn son and thinking, "I could totally do this again".

Two months after he was born, I was breastfeeding him, and again had the thought in my head "if I thought we could realistically do it, I'd do it now". I started physically aching for another one when porter turned 9 to ten months. now a days, I'm trying to get that ache back. I see flashes here and there. Today I got a good pang and it actually felt good to hurt like that again.OH geeze.. as I write this I have the TV on in the background, and Intermountain healthcare hospital commercial. They had lots of newborns on it. Like real newborns not the tv 3 month olds covered in cottage cheese. I just cried. thank heavens. One, because It means I'm really mourning my loss, two because it's coming back. Oh goodness my mothering yearning is coming back. I missed it.

The other problem? My body is still out of whack. I'm still waiting for aunt flo to show her ugly face again, but I don't think in my whole life I've EVER wanted and waited for her to come around. Lately I am, to see that I'm over this. To make this just go away. 

I don't know why I'm talking about this on something that my family looks at but I made a decision to sort of in a way include you (yes, you, you there reading this) in my struggle/journey/story... I realize that most of the people that read this are people I know/have known, but if there's anyone who doesn't know me in real life, I care about you too. I'm so grateful for the opportunity to get to know new people and have new people get to know me. Maybe even having old friends get to know me better. So reach out, I'm here with open arms both because I need a hug and I want to give them too ;).

on a separate note, I think I may change the blog name/url eventually and maybe even soon. I decided that I don't want to just Up the name every single time (aka quadruple dose and so on and so forth)

I've had a lot of things go through my head and I'm super open to ideas

maybe Samantha Rae

maybe The Whiteley Way

maybe SammieIammie (but not unless I can get a real domain because some lameo took that and haven't written in years poo poo on them)

maybe The Whiteley Rae

maybe lots and lots of stuff. 

ideas? opinions?