My Biggest Heartbreak

I may get a little spiritual. But it has been a very spiritual experience. I'm going to be very open and honest and I will probably cry a lot while telling you this story... but I need to write it down. I want to remember everything there is to remember...the good and bad.

I have been wanting another baby for a while now but our finances just haven't been in place. I felt that ache and pull and so I decided that it was time to start praying. I was on my knees almost constantly for a while there, asking heavenly father what to do, asking him that if it wasn't right than to help my desire to be lessened for the time being. Asking him if it was right, when was the right time. I had an IUD as my birth control so I had to make an appointment to have it removed, thus making it it a very cut and dry decision about trying. As I was praying and praying I first got a very distinct impression about the date April 26. (this was in about January) After I got the date stuck in my head I took to my husband to discuss. He saw our state as permanent until it changes. He's that way. It's wonderful in most cases, but in this I was frustrated. I felt so strongly about it that I came up with a compromise. I would make an appointment around the end of April since appointments are usually made 3-4 months in advance. If he and I decide when the time gets closer that it is not right then the date can be changed or we could use other forms of protection. He wasn't pleased but agreed. I called for the appointment and my doctor was booked until October. The nurses or midwives were available whenever I wanted them though. I was offered the next week (back in feb) and I said no thank you very much that's far too soon. I said "I'm thinking the end of april? and she replied "we have some openings on April 26" My heart skipped a beat. I of course agreed and then went on to have it removed on the date.

Two weeks later I was pregnant.

I was overjoyed and Drew, panicked but excited.

I took care of everything within two days. Insurance, doctors appointments, confirmation from the doctor's office that I was indeed growing a little baby.

Now when I am pregnant, I can feel my babies. You can believe me or not, but I genuinely believe that I get the honor of having their spirits in my presence. I can feel them and their purity. I can feel their excitement. I can feel their love. With porter I just felt someone there and felt his opinions on things. For example I was sitting there with my hotness monster of a husband and I felt an impression stronger than I've ever felt before telling me how much he genuinely loved drew and wanted him to know he was so excited to have him as a father.
This time, I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that it was a girl.

I started planning, getting excited for February 3.

Sunday, June 3 my world started falling apart.

I started bleeding.

I took to the internet and it of course half calmed me and half terrified me. Did you know that if there is bleeding in pregnancy it's an exact 50% that do and don't miscarry.

I cried a whole lot that day, but I had places to be, not to mention the fact that drew was working all day, so I spent the day at his parent's house since if something were to go wrong I would have no car or anything to do with porter. So I sat there, silent, terrified for my sweet baby. Praying that I would receive strength to get me through whatever was to happen. I prayed that whatever was going to happen to let me know then so I could deal with it. I called the hospital just to have them say " come in tomorrow and wednesday so we can draw your blood". I was taken home and I prayed and cried. Cried and prayed. I was so frustrated at the fact that I wasn't getting any response. I wasn't being comforted, nothing. I called my husband between sobs and said "I'm so tired of not getting answers when I pray about big things. I didn't get an answer about marrying you until the last second, I didn't get one about porter, I feel like I never get one when I really need to know something".
My husband, that man didn't miss a beat. He said in the sweetest voice I've ever heard out of him "You did get an answer. You were told to take that IUD out when you took it out. Whether that was so we could experience a great blessing, or a trial, we don't know that yet".
 I started to calm down. I felt reassured. I recalled the blessing my husband gave me as he laid his hands upon my head the day after we found out. It was said that no matter the outcome everything would be alright. I think I suspected something may happen then. As I thought about it I went to say something to my developing child and call her my sweet girl, and realized I suddenly wasn't sure there was a girl there.

The next day it all continued and got a little worse. I thought and prayed, but this time, even though there wasn't a big answer, I felt like things were coming to a close. I felt numb. I wasn't happy, sad, frustrated, just like I was in a movie where someone is standing there and people and the world are moving past me at lightning speed.But I was almost positive that my having a baby was put on hold.

Wed, I felt sad. Ok,but sad. Just down.

Yesterday I woke up at 8 and had to wait until 10 to call the doctors office. I knew what they were going to say, but I wasn't prepared to hear it said out loud in such a definitive tone. It was at the point that they said my hormone level had dropped dramatically (it's supposed to double every 48 hours) that I knew there would be no miracles, there was no hope for this little body. I silently let some tears fall down my face while I was on the phone, listened to what they had to say, made my ultrasound appointment, and hung up.
Then I sobbed harder than I knew I could. I knew it wasn't a full grown baby, I knew it was early, but it had the potential of growing into a child that I could hold and feed and teach. My baby girl was not going to grow and thrive.

I sobbed in such a way i felt like I was dry heaving. I couldn't catch my breath, it was raw and short and jerky. It was ugly. It was unlike the crying where you can get all those emotions out and you can feel better, this crying made me feel worse. An hour later when I was done, I went in and held the little one I DO have. the tangible reality that I have done this before, and it was a fight getting him here although a very different battle.

I'm doing fine now. I'm a little frustrated that now we have to wait longer to start trying, let my body heal. I'm sad that my emotions went from the most blissful I've felt in a long time, to devastated. I have accepted it. I'm dealing with it but it's now easier than I thought it would be.

Don't worry about me, I'm doing fine, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I like to think I'm a pretty strong person in the first place :)

Que Sera Sera- Whatever will be, will be.