Now what?

Ok. so. I was going to sit down and tell you all about the fun stuff of the last week but I just keep thinking about what to do now. 

I still don't know.

We do want another baby? Maybe? Yes? uuugh. so unsure. for a little bit there I was sworn off. for a little while I didn't need to see a newborn, I didn't care about holding them unless they were basically mine because one of my dearest friends birthed them. Before I was excited for all of my friends that are with child. Now I have found myself a little bitter. I have found myself getting a little bit of that sting back. With the second baby (aka not porter.. what do I even call it?) I KNEW it was right to try. I KNEW so many things. I don't know anything anymore. I asked drew the other day... so when we get the green light, should we try again? For the first time I asked that as a genuine question, not to make sure he was on the same page as me. 

Don't get me wrong. If I were to be given another child I would be so blissfully happy and excited. I'm just a little scared to even think about feeling that way now. I'm scared to let myself think that I could even be given that wonderful gift again... it hurts. 

I feel so weird about it because I was over it. I was fine. I was ready to move on. I was annoyed that I had to wait so long after the miscarriage to try again. 

and now I feel like I went backwards...

maybe it was the 7 stages?

Let's see.

Source 

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once.

  Ok.. fine. That fits. That would explain the whole over it thing..except my denial was more that the whole thing ever took place, not that i hadn't lost it.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

 (if you can't tell this is about losing someone you got to touch.) 

I am a little angry, mostly bitter about those who aren't rubbing it in my face but still are in a way... (ps. don't please don't stop sharing your amazing experiences just because I'm a sourpuss at the moment. I'll go back to my happy for you self eventually) But I don't blame anyone really. I wonder if it was something I did, but if it was that fragile anyway, it wasn't meant to be. 

so the others don't apply yet or may not ever. but that explains a lot. I go in for a second ultrasound next week to make sure my uterus is fully empty (happy happy joy joy) and then it's up to my body to get back on track which could take forever. Either way. I just have to figure out how I feel about it I'm still a little clueless. Why don't we go back to the original plan of having porter go back to being a newborn. Seriously where did this KID come from? He tells me "no way" when I ask for a kiss, he looks at me and smirks when I tell him not to do something, he begs for "boo" (blue) when he wants to wach rio. sigh. who needs another one when I can just rewind and do HIM over again? :) too bad it doesn't work that way right?

 Now someone bring me a jamba juice. stat. There's no AC in this house and I don't want to do the dishes. :)