How the heck to you people get self esteem? I swear I thought I had some but I'm such a people pleaser (sp?) that I'm too afraid to be me and love me in case I rub someone the wrong way. I keep hearing people be exactly who they knew they were in elementary school... I'm still figuring it out and in a way (clarification before I start this sentence I LOVE my family and that I got married when I did and had porter when I did yada yada) I wish I could have grown up and had a few years on my own to figure me out. I was/am always making who I am to fit the man in my life and while that is good sometimes I wish I would have had a solid foundation of it because I used to be a little more fun, never stressed, boisterously loud, stylish, and like the way I look in pictures. Now I'm a crabby old housewife who complains that her husband doesn't help out around the house and that the toddler is out of control (and I want another one?) anywhoo. I guess I need some ideas on HOW to force myself to take time for myself. How do I let loose and find some of that carelessness again? anyone know how to find themselves when their life seems to be so established?
(I think I'm just extra crabby today due to lack of sleep aka. porter woke up because he wasn't tired and then when he finally went back down I couldn't sleep and then had to get up early and I've been doing housework all day long)
sigh. I think I just need a life. Sweet Jelli is coming over tomorrow night and Chelsea is moving up soon (they're both old roomates who bring out the ME in me) and I"m going to salt lake soon for a weekend so I don't spend my birthday sitting at home alone like I have the last two years...
Is this enough of a whinefest for you? blegh. I SHOULD just delete this and call it vented... I'll probably post it anyway. I need some spunkadunk back in my life.
I get you. I'm reading this book called "If the Buddha Married" because someone on some blog I read recommended it, and it kind of touches on a lot of this. In general it just makes me think more about me, who I am, where that me came from, how to fix the things I don't like about me, and how I can't fix anyone else...and how sometimes the things I don't like about other people actually have more to do with me then them. ALL things I didn't think I needed to know or fix, but the book has kind of opened my eyes a little to some of my behaviors and compulsions. Anyways, now I am the one ranting. Maybe you should read it. http://www.amazon.com/gp/offer-listing/0140196226/ref=tmm_pap_used_olp_sr?ie=UTF8&condition=used
ReplyDeleteShe is coming out with a book called "If the Buddha had kids" which Is the book I really want to read....
I'm writing this while in the car on my way to SLC for logans wedding. I think you were right in posting it. I have one posted called a wish and a whine. I am really struggling right now, and I've a hard time being happy. So I get ya. I looooove you.
ReplyDeleteGirl you are the bomb! Dont doubt your awesomeness. Something that always makes me feel better is a morning walk or jog. I know getting up before baby and husband is probably out of the question but what about once husband gets home? Its nice to have some time to your self to think/exercise. Or you could do something totally different but it needs to be just for you.
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