Let's Talk

Hey there.
I have just returned from a hiatus from blogs. I felt horrible that I kept writing things that were so down and depressing. Truth was, I was quite depressed.

Trying to have a baby has been one of the hardest things I've done in a long long time. I've opened up my heart to a baby that doesn't seem to want to come to us. Over and over again I see all these symptoms that HAVE to be because I'm pregnant, yet every month the truth is staring me in the face, my uterus is still barren and empty.

Last month was the worst. Last month I had this intuition that told me that this was the month. This was it. It wasn't hope, I knew it wasn't just hope, it was something I KNEW. My mind stopped thinking "when I get pregnant" but more like "now that I"m pregnant". I was so sure that I was pregnant that I had an announcement planned out in my head. I knew how and when I was going to tell everyone. I was so happy and so excited.
But I was wrong.

I felt almost as if I'd had another miscarriage. I was THAT sure of it. After that month, I sunk down inside of myself. I read book after book, I cried every day, I couldn't handle it. I started hating myself and hating other people. I got bitter and jealous of those who got pregnant when they wanted to, all my friends who have been so blessed, I started crying that it wasn't me. I picked fights with drew, and I wasn't being a very good or patient mom to porter. I almost felt like I'd imploded.

I have a wonderful patient husband who helped me out of that hole, he helped me distract myself and finally I'm really feeling like myself again. I'm feeling happy again. I'm not nearly as bitter.

After a whole lot of prayer and reflection, I know that it has all been for a reason. I know that I will eventually get another baby whether it's next month or in a few years. I'm still just as determined, and the want is stronger than ever, but I've decided to do something unconventional. I've given up hope. I no longer expect to have a baby anytime soon. I doubt every month that it will happen. I also will be ok with the fact that I might not have a baby for a long time.

I'm not relaxing,( please, oh please never tell anyone who's trying to have a baby to "just relax"... please)but I'm giving up. and I'm ok with it.

I need to stop talking about it, I need to stop writing about it, and I need to start telling you how flipping adorable my 2 year old little boy is!

Fun story to end off the day

I was hanging up my shower curtains the other day and little porter walks in, pulls his thumb out of his mouth and says
"OH.....MY..........GAW"
Now to teach him how to add shhh at the end of it ;)